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What a day

February 21st, 2012 | Posted by admin in deep thoughts | exercise | fitness | food | Glasgow | health | Scotland | shopping | spinning | stress | UK | walk | workout - (3 Comments)

I am sure all of you had normal mornings. I am sure none of you had to jump out a WINDOW to get out of your living accommodation. I did. See, my key doesn’t work well and I have a hard time unlocking it from the inside. I tried and kicked at it and swore for a good 20 minutes before I gave up, climbed up on to the window sill, and jumped. I then went in the front of the building and unlocked the door easily from the outside. Seriously, this is my life.

When I got to the office, I found it open and some random guy at my computer. He didn’t know it was my desk- granted I haven’t really personalized it….

I then proceeded to leave my umbrella at the coffee shop (I later retrieved it). And then I managed to snap off the wrappy bit of the umbrella and now it is closed by a hair elastic.

My gym workout was less than stellar. I didn’t even want to BE there, but I did 10 on the spin bike (I need a spin cushion seat!) and 10 on the elliptical, and then a bit of weights, and then I walked home via Tesco- all in all the workout was 1.5 hours and burned 560 calories. I counted the walk home as part of it, it being partially uphill and me carrying a ton of crap in my backpack.

Now, today being pancake Tuesday I decided to make pancakes. I should have realized that given the fact I can’t cook at all (other than pasta and simple things) that even a pre-made pancake mix would be a disaster. Which it was. The first one had powder in it, and the second was burned and runny. Steph, come back! I then tried to make tea (with tea leaves) and managed to mess that up as well. So I am very glad I had a backup dinner plan (pasta, faux mince and roasted veggies) which is almost done. (Jen, help! I need a big canister of parmesan, the ones here are so tiny!!!)

The rest of the night’s plan is to watch last night’s House, and perhaps more Sherlock. (Of course I will watch more Sherlock, I can’t help myself! I am such a Cumberbitch!) I also want to get through some more of the Cyber bullying book I am reading that is due in a few days.

Tomorrow I need to run errands, get my ashes, and read more.

I also need to figure out what I am giving up for Lent. I was thinking about shopping but I mean, really. Then I thought about giving up swearing, and I was like yeah, that isn’t frigging happening. Last year I gave up diet Coke. I should give up eating brownies at the library. Hrm.

If so inclined, what are you giving up for Lent?

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Controversial post: Workout obsessions

February 17th, 2012 | Posted by admin in beauty | calories | deep thoughts | exercise | food | food choices | health | motivation | personal training | running | spinning | sweaty | walk | weight | weight loss | workout - (6 Comments)

Disclaimer:  These are my thoughts and opinions and observations.  If you respectfully disagree, that is fine, but please keep the comments civil.  I am just curious if anyone else has noticed these patterns, or if I am in the minority.  I also know I have no business judging anyone on their behaviour.  

 

Now this may sound ridiculously hypocritical and it is way beyond me to say what is right for someone other than myself (and given I’ve been a lazy sloth for the past month and a half, I really have no right, but…)  I am going to write about it anyways.

 

I am not usually a fan of reality tv.  It really isn’t my cup of tea.  But I did watch the biggest loser for a few seasons, and I really liked season 10 and 11.  I haven’t watched any of this season b.c when I was home it was on the same time as NCIS and well Mark Harmon > The Biggest Loser.  :)  Enough said.

 

Anyways I do follow some of the previous contestants on twitter.  They look fab.  I wish I could look so good.  But one thing I have noticed is their exercise habits seem rather extreme some days.   Not every day, as I am sure I miss tweets and nor does everyone post about eveyrthing they are doing.  But some days it is extreme, like 4-5 hours of working out.  What I like about the BL is that it does teach healthy habits and exercise.  Now granted they work out all day there on the show, and I would assume, as they get fitter and more toned and after the show is over, they wouldn’t need to have such extreme habits to keep the weight off, am I right?  (granted it is what *I* should have done after losing 85 lbs and then stopped, but well I was stupid and in a bad relationship, blah blah blah)

 

How can you go back to your real life, and still work out that much?  How do you have time to work, deal with family, errands, etc, sleep, and still manage to work out 4-5 hours a day?  That is not feasible for most people I know.  No, everyone I know.  Granted, I am not working and don’t really have a scheudle.  I feasibly could work out that much, if I were trained and toned and in shape.  But would I want to?  Would I want to spend that much time to keep working out after I have achieved the body I want?  Wouldn’t I want to MAINTAIN it healthily with daily workouts of 30-60 minutes?

 

Unless I am training for a marathon I don’t think I would have the patience, tenacity or desire to.  I would want to go back to my life feeling better about myself, and not have to spend as much time in the gym.

Am I wrong here, or have perhaps some of them gone from a “food addiction” to a workout addiction?

 

I am not a personal trainer, and I am not in shape and in order to get to the correct weight for my height to have a normal BMI I would need to lose nearly 100 pounds, so I am really not one to be harping on what someone who has done that is currently doing.  I just think it is something to think about.  I wouldn’t want to lose weight again, and have to go through still having to work out to excess after I have done it all.  Am I making sense?

 

I know when I lost 85 lbs, I didn’t do it in the healthiest of manners.  I ate little and worked out a lot.

It looked like this food wise:  ( I was a vegetarian at the time)

Breakfast: egg white omelette w/ veggies and sometimes some cheese, coffee

lunch: big salad

snack: coffee

dinner: pasta with sauce and faux mince

I was hungry ALL THE TIME.  I never felt satisfied.  I never let myself have a treat and if I did splurge on half a cookie, well I had to work out MORE.

 

Then I would go to the gym and hit the elliptical/weights or take a Tae Bo class and a weight class and then workout on the treadmill (about 1.5-2 hrs per day)

 

So yeah I lost weight, but I wasn’t happy.  I ended up in a relationship that was harmful.  I thought once I had hit 140, I was golden. I began eating more at my boyfriend’s house; his mom was a great cook, and ended up back at 160 in about 3 days.  I still worked out, but not to the same level.  I was back up to nearly 200 within a year or so gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds year after year.

 

>So…..would I have been better off maintaining and working out like a fiend?  Or being a little bit happier to eat good food and not care?

 

It’s one of those things that I just can’t get my head around- the balance of it all.  (That and just being lazy.)

Thoughts and opinions?  

LBGT Teen bullying and the Separation of Church and State

February 8th, 2012 | Posted by cindy in bullying | deep thoughts - (0 Comments)

As a rule, I don’t talk religion or politics on my blog, or Twitter and Facebook. However, this article on the bullying of gay teens has enraged me to the point that I have to speak out about this.

Some personal background before I begin however: I’m 36 years old. I’m bisexual. I’m Catholic. I’ve taught at a Catholic school. And right now I’m a PhD student working on the issue of bullying and cyber bullying. I was bullied as a kid. I was called “lesbian” before I even knew what a lesbian was; I had to go home and look it up in the dictionary- true story. I’ve never flaunted my sexuality. It’s a personal thing for me and in my opinion no one’s business, except for myself and whomever I am dating. What goes on in the bedroom of ANYONE should stay there and is of no consequence to anyone but the partners involved.

That being said, there is an epidemic of LBGT teens committing suicide, having suicidal thoughts, and involved in para-suicidal behaviours. They feel alone, targeted, and often feel they have no one to talk to, no one to go to, and they feel it will never get better. (Hence the It Gets Better project, which is invaluable.) But it can’t work if kids/teachers/parents are afraid to speak out because the school’s policies have an underlying current of discrimination because of the religious persuasion of the community. Policies that stated that school personnel had to “stay neutral” on issues regarding sexual persuasion. And I am sure that the community that the Rolling Stone article focused on is not the only one in the US, or around the world.

I’m sorry but this “neutral policy” is utter bullshit. Bullying whether due to religion, race, gender, sexual orientation, income, whether you are pink, purple, polka dotted is WRONG and should not be tolerated full stop. There is no reason to remain NEUTRAL. If a child is being called a dyke or a whore or the c word or the n word, it needs to be stopped. The bully needs to be punished and the victim needs to be reassured, protected, and helped- not ignored just because he or she may or may not be gay, Jewish, African American, or any other designation under the sun.

The victims are being made to feel ashamed and worthless, and feel they have no other form of recourse than to take their own lives because the adults in their life are powerless to take the steps to speak out against policies that are vague at best. Policies of any kind of discrimination have no place in public schools. Policies that are neutral or anti-gay in public schools HAVE NO PLACE. There is a separation of church and state in the US for a reason. Policies that are influenced by religion have no place in public schools.

Children should feel safe in school. They should not fear walking down the hall or going into the bathroom. They should be able to be individuals, and be themselves and not fear slurs being shouted at them, texted to them, or written on their Facebook walls.

Jesus said, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” I think this needs to be remembered by those who wish to condemn students who may be different, for whatever reason. No child, no student, no human being should have to be made to feel that they are as lesser person because of their sexual orientation. And no more should have to commit suicide because they feel there is no way out. I think members of the religious right, and those who wish to push their beliefs should think about that the next time they condemn someone who is “different.”

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Do you ever feel the way I do?

January 23rd, 2012 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | depression | life - (0 Comments)

I was actually almost in a good mood yesterday. I posted what I thought was a fascinating post {ok not fascinating per say, but funny ha ha} but clearly the joke is on me. And then I went to the store and found that no jackets fit me at all. Nope. None. Zilch. Zero. Way to reduce my already fragile self-esteem to naught. I’m so glad I spent that what 5-6 weeks running and trying hard- just proving the fact that I’m utterly useless at changing how I look.

And now this.

2 page views, which were probably me checking to make sure the pictures had aligned right.

Way to make a girl feel special.

I know it comes across as whiny and pedantic to bitch and complain about readership or lack thereof. But seriously? What is the point of this? What is the point of me? Why do I continue to keep this site, if it is just for me to espouse what I think is interesting or important, especially if I feel like I am just talking to myself?

I know I don’t really have a blog genre; I blog about many different things. Perhaps I just thought I was more interesting than I really am. Perhaps the site stats are bust and really, lots and lots of people are reading these words and the comments are just lost in the void. But I think not.

It’s something to think about. Whether I want to stay and continue to elucidate about all things Cindy, or if I just want to consider throwing in the towel, that resurrecting neophytegirl was a failed experiment. Or maybe I just think I am far more funny and interesting than I really am and that no one wants to read about my fandom likes or why I’m sad or why I can’t get over xyz.

I just don’t know.

My life as a fangirl

January 22nd, 2012 | Posted by cindy in David Tennant | deep thoughts | Doctor Who | London | MAAN | Red Sox | Scotland | Southern Sounds | timelord | UK - (0 Comments)

(Apologies to everyone who thinks I am a nutter and the fact that I have a new addiction which doesn’t please everyone.) TL:DR, unless you want to see how I’ve become a crazy DT obsessed PhD candidate who’s also a Cumberbitch, as well as who the fuck else knows what else!

When I like things, I go all in. Always have, always will. As I was walking to campus I was thinking about how this long, strange journey began, and figured since I can’t find my frigging research proposal I should use my time wisely here.

It started early, in 3rd/4th grade with a show that probably wasn’t age appropriate, but when have I ever done anything normal. Normal is SO boring. (OMG Dallas is coming back! Eeeee!) (Yes, Dad they got Larry Hagman out of his wheelchair, just like Paul- oh wait not like Servalan is a spring chicken any more!)

 

I wrote fanfic for Dallas in elementary school, so much to the point that I was asked to find an outlet for my creativity in a different way.

So I moved on to . . . . .

Ok, so it was more . . . .
to the point that as an 11 year old I got to meet Paul Darrow, and my fangirling knew no bounds since that day. My dad got us tickets to a convention and I almost got to meet Jon Pertwee that day as well, but he was ill and not in attendance. A long time passed until I had another chance to meet anyone, but that day stands out in my memory very clearly.

I was pretty much a Blake’s 7 fangirl up until middle school, when I discovered something new.

I was INXS mad in the 7th grade. For Christmas that year I got all their cassettes and an INXS tshirt. (I may talk trash about my dad, but he’s always enabled me in my fangirling LOL.) I need to find that polaroid of me in the tshirt! :)

The fangirling pretty much was dormant in high school and college. I liked things, but I had discovered real life boys at that point and managed to take my crazy behaviours to new levels I can say I’m fairly ashamed of, hindsight being what it is and all.

Until I watched House, I was a pretty normal person. Since, I have to say that I do get a bit mad crazy over things. Just a bit. :) I was completely mental over Dr. House and began to try out my creativity in the realm of fanfiction again. Yes, it was House/Wilson 99% of the time, and no you can’t read any of it, unless you know where to look and no, I am not going to tell you b/c it’s rubbish.

 

I can’t say it was any good, but what I can say is that my fanmix, Afterglow, a Amber/Wilson (a bit of House), was downloaded like crazy and people really liked it. The music featured songs from House’s Head/Wilson’s Heart, along with other songs I found appropriate for the ending of season 4, an ending I can’t bring myself to watch.

 

About the same time, I had a chance opportunity to see INXS perform an acoustic set and from the day I laid eyes on JD Fortune, I went a bit crazy (again). This brought about a resurgence of my love for INXS, as well as crazy road trips to CT, NYC (I WAS ON THE TODAY SHOW!) (For 5 seconds!) (for a second, do shut up Cindy) and up to Canada for crazy drunk fun, tattoos, and booze all over the carpark. As well as zany things that happened, like this.

Fuck off, eh!

Also, at the same time, I realized that I could bitch about sports, or I could STFU and join in. Hence my love of all things Red Sox.

 

I’ve had a chance to see amazing things. Crazy blowout wins, long 14 inning games in the rain, Curt Schilling’s 200th win, ALDS game 1 in 2007, and opening day 2008. 2 World Series wins and 2 parades. Not to mention concerts with Bronson! And no, I never followed Curt Schilling around the Natick Mall. Nope. Not me. Never.

 

Over the past few years, I’ve tried to rein in my crazy fangirl tendencies. However, that didn’t work. It all started with . . . a skinny Scottish bloke with REALLY great hair.

 

Oh David Tennant, you sexy man you. (I can hear my sister rolling her eyes.)

And before you all ask, no I didn’t come to Scotland b/c of DT. Seriously.

Anyways, it’s been DT for a while now, but then I watched Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes and Mad Dogs and went a bit cray cray for John Simm and Philip Glenister. (It’s nice to know that I always seem to fall for older, although only slightly now, British men)

 

I’ve been watching everything I could get my hands on featuring the 2 of them. And then watching it some more. If Mad Dogs had been on VHS there’d be a tear in the tape by now.

However, my most recent obsesion (much to the chagrin of some of my friends) has been another British bloke with great hair- and cheekbones to die for.

 

Yes, I’ve become a Cumberbitch. (And hey, he’s single now, so . . . .) I’ve watched Sherlock more times than is probably healthy, and I’ve become addicted to tumblring his image all over the internets. (Oh honey, you should see ME in a crown.) (Yes, I know he didn’t say that line) (I have an unhealthy obsession with parentheses.)

Anyways, if you got this far, you are probably as bored as I am or procrastinating or think I’m mental. Probably. But I’ve met David Tennant. Hugh Laurie stood next to me. In fact, I’ve met 2 Doctors, 2 companions, saw INXS in London – all in the last year. So pretty ace, I’d say. It’s been a long crazy ride. I wonder where it will take me next?

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Christmas 2011

December 26th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | deep thoughts | grief - (0 Comments)

Today wasn’t like any ordinary Christmas for many reasons. Last year I was in Scotland. This year I am home. Last Christmas my mum was here. This year she’s not. I’ve had a really hard time keeping it together this week. And I don’t really want to talk about it right now b/c I will start crying again and I’ve only just stopped.

The main reason this Christmas was not ordinary is that both my nieces came down with the stomach bug overnight. {If you know me, you know that I am a ridiculous emetophobe and situations like this send my anxiety into overdrive. I will spend the next week panicking about getting sick and using lysol and hand sanitizer like it is going out of style. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and that just makes the panic worse.}

Luckily the kids were ok enough to wake me and open presents. They were happy and excited and that was good, but it just wasn’t the same.

I took a nap and then I watched Downton Abbey, Doctor Who, and AbFab. I started reading a new book. I started packing my new bag. I just couldn’t focus on any one thing.

I’m going to watch some Ashes to Ashes for a bit and go to sleep. I need to do the home for the holidays virtual 10K if I wake up well tomorrow before I go to work.

I hope everyone out there who celebrated Christmas had a lovely one, filled with love and happiness. If you don’t, I hope you had a great Sunday. :)

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Christmas wishlist

December 13th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in David Tennant | deep thoughts | Doctor Who | exercise | fitness | Glasgow | goals | grad school | health | life | motivation | nsv | Scotland | shopping | workout - (1 Comments)

Wow 2 posts in one day? Who am I?

In my new {almost} running shoes I banged out nearly a 6k in under an hour. AND despite not thinking I would have a new PR, I DO! Thanks to my clever oldest niece who had showed me how to take screencaps on my iphone you can see it. Go me!

The sky was very, very blue today. It was such a great day out for a run!

Now, to the actual point of this post. This Christmas isn’t going to be great. In fact, in some ways it’s going to suck, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I miss my mum, end of. So I decided to try to make myself feel better by coming up with the most crazy Christmas wishlist, a top ten you may say. Please do not think that I actually believe I will get any of these things. Especially #1. I wish!

10. All this retail work has made my nails a mess. I’d love a shellac manicure and a pedicure {I don’t even need toe polish I would just kill for the foot rub!} to start off the New Year right!

9. I could sure use this for my iphone.

8. Since I am being totally frivolous here, I can see myself in Buchanan Square with this bag.

7. While I am waiting for the coffee {see below} I should stretch.

6. I will need plenty of coffee to keep me going, so those Starbucks gift cards are always welcome. :)

5.Since I am going to be working hard on my thesis for my PhD, a new computer would be a huge asset! In my dreams, I know! I can be reasonable, even if it is still a stretch.

4. I guess new super cool running shoes would be great to get as well! The New Balance 993′s would be perfect. Grey/pink is fine. Size 7. :)

3. Now that I am running I really need a Road Id. I’d like the wrist id slim, in black. But I think I need to wait until I move until I get it.

2. While I’d love to have this at my door as well I will probably have to settle for this.

Or this, even.

1. What I would really love most of all would be to open the door on Christmas and have this waiting for me.

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Christmas miracle {my big surprise announcement!}

December 2nd, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Glasgow | grad school | Scotland | travel | UK - (15 Comments)

You know the song “Lose Yourself” by Eminem? I’m sure you do. Anyways, there is a line in it that goes “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” Ok it’s more than one line, humor me. For the longest time I thought that was true, that you only had one shot at getting what you wanted. Not 2, not 3. Just one. I’ve now been proved wrong.

I’m getting that second chance.

I’ve been hinting for a bit now, that something was happening. I’m sure many of you have an idea about what I am going to say.

I’m going back to Scotland! I’m going to get a second chance to get my PhD.

Now some of you may be thrilled for me. Some of you may be concerned or disappointed. Some of you may be wondering why the heck I’m doing this. Just know this. I want this. I want this a lot. It means a lot to me to be able to do this and do it right this time, since I know what I am getting into. There won’t be the culture shock or confusion about where to go and how to get there, because I already know.

This was not a decision that was made lightly. There were lots of talks and arguments and hopes that went into this decision. I am VERY lucky that I was able to make this work. And the reason for the secrecy was because I didn’t want to say anything until I was 100% sure. Today I can make that statement. The offer letter and acceptance have been in for some time. The loans are processing. I have my Visa appointment next week.

I hope you can all be happy for me.

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Moving on

September 19th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Glasgow | headache | I don't want to go | life | money woes | motivation | travel | UK - (1 Comments)

A year ago today I started the biggest journey of my life.  I wish I took more advantage of it.  I wish I spent less time sitting at home in my flat and went out more.  But I could say that about all my years in Boston as well.  I know I am not a go outy person, but I should have tried a little bit more.

 

All around me people are moving on.  Dates are made, races are run, weddings take place, jobs are found and started.  Yet I feel frozen in time.  I feel like I’ve backtracked.  I feel lost.  The headaches are back.  I haven’t got an inkling on any jobs. I feel like at nearly 36, I am a failure.  No career, no current job or prospects, no relationship.  None of the things I wanted to have done at this time of my life have I achieved.

 

I know I am a negative person, but having all of this in my mind at all times isn’t helping and I can’t break the cycle.  Can’t or won’t.  It’s hard to change your entire outlook on life in an instant.  Or a day, a month, a year.    It’s hard to give up or change one thing you’re really good at.

 

I don’t know where or how to fill this space anymore.  I am sure my readers are tired of the same old, same old.  Unfortunately things are out of my immediate control.  I can’t offer myself a job, or be picked to be a tutor, or any number of things I’m waiting on.  And that’s part of the problem- not having control. I feel out of control b/c right now I am doing everything I can, and nothing is happening.   As the song goes, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

 

Hopefully I will be back with something happier and positive.   And soon.

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Frustrated again

September 15th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | depression | I don't want to go | life | money woes | UK - (1 Comments)

Despite yesterday’s progress, today I feel down and frustrated. It started with a small thing; Amazon needs to charge me [and then refund me] the shipping charges for the Kindle since it is a special custom order as I got it in the UK. I can’t pay for it without a credit/bank card or a gift card. So I need to find a way to get a gift card [a place I can get to] and I’d like to do this independently, but I can’t. I know it is seemingly so insignificant, but it just makes me feel ridiculously pathetic.

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I feel as helpless as I did at 15 when I wanted to go to the mall and couldn’t get a ride. I don’t like asking people for help, especially for trivial things, and especially right now when I feel like I am such a burden.

 

I’m almost 36 years old with problems I shouldn’t have; I should have been smarter and never let myself go down this road again with financial issues.

 

I’m almost 36 years old, alone and single, with no prospects on the horizon. I know that one is my fault. I have trouble socializing. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t want anyone seeing me when I look this way so it is so much easier to sit and home and hide from the world. I did that in Scotland too. I didn’t make one friend there. Isn’t that kind of sad and pathetic?

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to network to find a job. I haven’t always had the best success at jobs, I’ve always seemed to make stupid, immature mistakes [other than the last 2 really] but the first 2 teaching jobs seemed to set the scene, and I feel like I can’t get out of that loop, and feel so far displaced from when and where I started from. I know I made mistakes and could have done better [way better had I actually had a mentor and someone to lean on and get advice from].

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to get the life I want. I sound like a petulant child, I know. But I really have no idea where I am going to go from here. I know what I want- but getting it, I just do not know if it will be possible to achieve it.

 

I think a lot of it it has to do with the fact I read all of these amazing blogs with happy, upbeat, positive, strong women living their lives, working, writing, exploring, and doing amazing things, and I am just trapped here in this bubble and I feel like I can’t relate to their story and that they probably can’t relate to mine.

 

Some of it has to do with the fact that up until 3 weeks ago I was living an independent life. I may not have had a lot, but I had freedom, I could get places, and I had someone to talk to every day, someone who also understood. And I miss that. I miss my life and my freedom. I miss the UK. I’m just not readjusting well. It’s so hard. All these things I wanted to do there, that I never did b/c I took for granted I had 3 more years if not more. And I wish I had the chance to do it all over again.

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