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Christmas 2011

December 26th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | deep thoughts | grief - (0 Comments)

Today wasn’t like any ordinary Christmas for many reasons. Last year I was in Scotland. This year I am home. Last Christmas my mum was here. This year she’s not. I’ve had a really hard time keeping it together this week. And I don’t really want to talk about it right now b/c I will start crying again and I’ve only just stopped.

The main reason this Christmas was not ordinary is that both my nieces came down with the stomach bug overnight. {If you know me, you know that I am a ridiculous emetophobe and situations like this send my anxiety into overdrive. I will spend the next week panicking about getting sick and using lysol and hand sanitizer like it is going out of style. I know there is nothing I can do about it, and that just makes the panic worse.}

Luckily the kids were ok enough to wake me and open presents. They were happy and excited and that was good, but it just wasn’t the same.

I took a nap and then I watched Downton Abbey, Doctor Who, and AbFab. I started reading a new book. I started packing my new bag. I just couldn’t focus on any one thing.

I’m going to watch some Ashes to Ashes for a bit and go to sleep. I need to do the home for the holidays virtual 10K if I wake up well tomorrow before I go to work.

I hope everyone out there who celebrated Christmas had a lovely one, filled with love and happiness. If you don’t, I hope you had a great Sunday. :)

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Christmas wishlist

December 13th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in David Tennant | deep thoughts | Doctor Who | exercise | fitness | Glasgow | goals | grad school | health | life | motivation | nsv | Scotland | shopping | workout - (1 Comments)

Wow 2 posts in one day? Who am I?

In my new {almost} running shoes I banged out nearly a 6k in under an hour. AND despite not thinking I would have a new PR, I DO! Thanks to my clever oldest niece who had showed me how to take screencaps on my iphone you can see it. Go me!

The sky was very, very blue today. It was such a great day out for a run!

Now, to the actual point of this post. This Christmas isn’t going to be great. In fact, in some ways it’s going to suck, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I miss my mum, end of. So I decided to try to make myself feel better by coming up with the most crazy Christmas wishlist, a top ten you may say. Please do not think that I actually believe I will get any of these things. Especially #1. I wish!

10. All this retail work has made my nails a mess. I’d love a shellac manicure and a pedicure {I don’t even need toe polish I would just kill for the foot rub!} to start off the New Year right!

9. I could sure use this for my iphone.

8. Since I am being totally frivolous here, I can see myself in Buchanan Square with this bag.

7. While I am waiting for the coffee {see below} I should stretch.

6. I will need plenty of coffee to keep me going, so those Starbucks gift cards are always welcome. :)

5.Since I am going to be working hard on my thesis for my PhD, a new computer would be a huge asset! In my dreams, I know! I can be reasonable, even if it is still a stretch.

4. I guess new super cool running shoes would be great to get as well! The New Balance 993′s would be perfect. Grey/pink is fine. Size 7. :)

3. Now that I am running I really need a Road Id. I’d like the wrist id slim, in black. But I think I need to wait until I move until I get it.

2. While I’d love to have this at my door as well I will probably have to settle for this.

Or this, even.

1. What I would really love most of all would be to open the door on Christmas and have this waiting for me.

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Christmas miracle {my big surprise announcement!}

December 2nd, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Glasgow | grad school | Scotland | travel | UK - (15 Comments)

You know the song “Lose Yourself” by Eminem? I’m sure you do. Anyways, there is a line in it that goes “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” Ok it’s more than one line, humor me. For the longest time I thought that was true, that you only had one shot at getting what you wanted. Not 2, not 3. Just one. I’ve now been proved wrong.

I’m getting that second chance.

I’ve been hinting for a bit now, that something was happening. I’m sure many of you have an idea about what I am going to say.

I’m going back to Scotland! I’m going to get a second chance to get my PhD.

Now some of you may be thrilled for me. Some of you may be concerned or disappointed. Some of you may be wondering why the heck I’m doing this. Just know this. I want this. I want this a lot. It means a lot to me to be able to do this and do it right this time, since I know what I am getting into. There won’t be the culture shock or confusion about where to go and how to get there, because I already know.

This was not a decision that was made lightly. There were lots of talks and arguments and hopes that went into this decision. I am VERY lucky that I was able to make this work. And the reason for the secrecy was because I didn’t want to say anything until I was 100% sure. Today I can make that statement. The offer letter and acceptance have been in for some time. The loans are processing. I have my Visa appointment next week.

I hope you can all be happy for me.

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Moving on

September 19th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Glasgow | headache | I don't want to go | life | money woes | motivation | travel | UK - (1 Comments)

A year ago today I started the biggest journey of my life.  I wish I took more advantage of it.  I wish I spent less time sitting at home in my flat and went out more.  But I could say that about all my years in Boston as well.  I know I am not a go outy person, but I should have tried a little bit more.

 

All around me people are moving on.  Dates are made, races are run, weddings take place, jobs are found and started.  Yet I feel frozen in time.  I feel like I’ve backtracked.  I feel lost.  The headaches are back.  I haven’t got an inkling on any jobs. I feel like at nearly 36, I am a failure.  No career, no current job or prospects, no relationship.  None of the things I wanted to have done at this time of my life have I achieved.

 

I know I am a negative person, but having all of this in my mind at all times isn’t helping and I can’t break the cycle.  Can’t or won’t.  It’s hard to change your entire outlook on life in an instant.  Or a day, a month, a year.    It’s hard to give up or change one thing you’re really good at.

 

I don’t know where or how to fill this space anymore.  I am sure my readers are tired of the same old, same old.  Unfortunately things are out of my immediate control.  I can’t offer myself a job, or be picked to be a tutor, or any number of things I’m waiting on.  And that’s part of the problem- not having control. I feel out of control b/c right now I am doing everything I can, and nothing is happening.   As the song goes, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

 

Hopefully I will be back with something happier and positive.   And soon.

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Frustrated again

September 15th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | depression | I don't want to go | life | money woes | UK - (1 Comments)

Despite yesterday’s progress, today I feel down and frustrated. It started with a small thing; Amazon needs to charge me [and then refund me] the shipping charges for the Kindle since it is a special custom order as I got it in the UK. I can’t pay for it without a credit/bank card or a gift card. So I need to find a way to get a gift card [a place I can get to] and I’d like to do this independently, but I can’t. I know it is seemingly so insignificant, but it just makes me feel ridiculously pathetic.

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I feel as helpless as I did at 15 when I wanted to go to the mall and couldn’t get a ride. I don’t like asking people for help, especially for trivial things, and especially right now when I feel like I am such a burden.

 

I’m almost 36 years old with problems I shouldn’t have; I should have been smarter and never let myself go down this road again with financial issues.

 

I’m almost 36 years old, alone and single, with no prospects on the horizon. I know that one is my fault. I have trouble socializing. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t want anyone seeing me when I look this way so it is so much easier to sit and home and hide from the world. I did that in Scotland too. I didn’t make one friend there. Isn’t that kind of sad and pathetic?

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to network to find a job. I haven’t always had the best success at jobs, I’ve always seemed to make stupid, immature mistakes [other than the last 2 really] but the first 2 teaching jobs seemed to set the scene, and I feel like I can’t get out of that loop, and feel so far displaced from when and where I started from. I know I made mistakes and could have done better [way better had I actually had a mentor and someone to lean on and get advice from].

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to get the life I want. I sound like a petulant child, I know. But I really have no idea where I am going to go from here. I know what I want- but getting it, I just do not know if it will be possible to achieve it.

 

I think a lot of it it has to do with the fact I read all of these amazing blogs with happy, upbeat, positive, strong women living their lives, working, writing, exploring, and doing amazing things, and I am just trapped here in this bubble and I feel like I can’t relate to their story and that they probably can’t relate to mine.

 

Some of it has to do with the fact that up until 3 weeks ago I was living an independent life. I may not have had a lot, but I had freedom, I could get places, and I had someone to talk to every day, someone who also understood. And I miss that. I miss my life and my freedom. I miss the UK. I’m just not readjusting well. It’s so hard. All these things I wanted to do there, that I never did b/c I took for granted I had 3 more years if not more. And I wish I had the chance to do it all over again.

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Still stunned

August 11th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Edinburgh | Glasgow | grad school | grief | I don't want to go | London | MAAN | UK - (1 Comments)

I’m still stunned and in shock over everything that has happened over the past 24 hours.   I can’t even really eat or concentrate. It still doesn’t feel real to me, and all the plans I had for the next few months are just a distant memory (getting a kitty, planning a quick stage door trip, John Barrowman in November, Christmas lights in London, Hogmanay in Edinburgh . . .  .).  I just feel this tremendous loss at this point and it is making it hard for me to not break down every time I remember something else I was going to do.

It’s making it hard to be happy for Steph who is staying.  I am so happy for her and that she found a new supervisor and it looks like smooth sailing.  And I am truly happy for her.  I just want to be here too.  I wish I had known this was going to happen and then I would have found a way to get on a Tier 2 visa so I could stay and work.  I would have loved to have moved to London to work and/or teach.  That’s my dream.  I hope some day it can come true.

And as much as I was worrying about writing 100k worth of dissertation, I’m even more worried about heading home, finding a job, and dealing with finances, and the grief I’m still carrying.

I know I only have myself to blame, but that’s another story for another time.

Right now the only thing I can do is pack, donate, sell, job search, and pray that I can find something quick that pays well.   So if you’re in Boston and you know of any schools that are hiring or anything or know of someone who might need a room mate come Oct/Nov, send them my way if you could please.

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Bottom of the ninth

August 10th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts - (0 Comments)

When I woke up this morning and got the latest update about my student loans, I was at the bottom of the ninth with one batter out and a runner at third with a tie score.

I called up the website and went through all the steps, but I just knew I was going to strike out.  Now there are 2 outs.

Then I got an email and a phone call and it looked like I might be able to hit a single and drive that batter home.  It was 3-2.  And I struck out.  Game over.

The hopes I had of staying here in Glasgow are gone now and I’m faced with decisions I don’t want to make and emails I’m afraid to receive.  I need to decide what I am going to do.  I have the emergency fund money- well the bank still has it….. and that would get me back to the US. But…..that leaves a lot of unsettled things here that that money would take care of, but then I can’t get back to the states.   There is also someone else I have to take into consideration re: rent and etc and that would need to be dealt with too.

I can’t stay here and work- well I can until November/Decemberish, but the distinct lack of jobs here that I am qualified for would make that a challenge, especially if I am trying to support myself to live and save money for a flight.

So right now- I have no idea what I am going to do.  My mind is going a million miles an hour and I feel so let down.

 

The game wasn’t supposed to end this way.

 

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Happy surgiversary!

July 27th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in beauty | deep thoughts | life | motivation | obesity | pain | tmi i know | Uncategorized | weight - (0 Comments)

(note, I really fucking hate this keyboard.  I just lost the entire post, b/c some how it erased. )

 

A year ago today I had a breast reduction.  In terms of pain, it was not that bad, considering the headaches I have suffered.  So if you are thinking about it, go for it.  I was back to work the same week, actually.  (Well I had to, or I would have not had any income, but that is beside the case here.)

They look fine, even though they have dropped and fluffed,  and the scars are not very visible.  Being pale has its benefits.  :)   I do however wish I could get the dog ears taken care of (on the sides at the site of the side lipo- it needs to be “tucked”.  It’s a quick procedure under local anesthetic.  If I was home I could, for free, but here in the UK I doubt it.  So I need to find a money tree either way.

What I am dissapointed in, is me.  The fact I did this so I could work out easier and lose weight.  And what did I do?  Not work out and gain a ton of weight on top.  So. Not good for me.  I just hope any damage done can be reversed, and I can maybe lose weight.  Believe me I have tried, and it has not been working well for me.  I really have to wonder if doing Optifast all those years ago did something to me, b/c since then- my body hasn’t been the same.

So to sum up, surgery good, what I did to myself after, not so good.

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The waiting is the hardest part

July 25th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | deep thoughts | dissertation | Glasgow | grad school | life | money woes | Scotland | UK | writing - (1 Comments)

I’ve submitted my paperwork for a hardship loan from the university.  Say what you want about me, and how I live my life, but it isn’t easy living just on school loans.  I don’t have a rich family to help me out.  In fact, there is nothing further from the truth than that.  I don’t have my mum to ask to give me a tiny helping hand (in this case the ability to have my dissertation printed and bound, or food to eat).  I may have made a few poor decisions, but nothing like the past.  I’ve tried hard.  Really.  So please do not judge me, unless you’ve walked in my shoes, and lived through this.

If you know me, you may know I’ve made poor financial decisions in the past, but this year has been different.  I get a set amount every few months and I live on that and that alone.  I’ve been careful.  I never expected to have to go home and watch my mum die, or to have my flat broken into.  No one expects these things.  And I’d appreciate if you kept your thoughts about my past mistakes to yourself.  Thank you.  Because you do not know how hard the past few months have been for me.  

There is nothing I can do about this, but worry now.  To put my fate in the hands of people I do not know, and hope my story is moving enough for them to grant the loan.

It’s been a hard year.  I’ve had surgery, moved across the pond, started and ended a relationship, had my flat broken into, and lost my mum.  It has not been easy.  I don’t want pity.  I’d just appreciate good thoughts directed here.  That is all I ask.  No judgement.  Just positive thoughts.

And I am scared and worried as to what will happen if this loan isn’t granted.  I will hopefully know the day I plead my case, which is Thursday.  If the answer is no, I will be pawning anything of value so I can have my dissertation printed and bound by its due date.  And hope there is enough left over for food.  I don’t know what we’ll do without money for rent and utilities.

I know people will tell me to be positive, but I’ve had too much good luck lately, and I don’t want to get cocky and think it’s in the bag, when it may very well not be the case.

I just wish I didn’t have to wait until Thursday to find out.

 

 

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Unconditional offer

July 20th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | deep thoughts | dissertation | Glasgow | goals | grad school | life | money woes | Scotland | UK | update | writing - (4 Comments)

It has been all doom and gloom here lately, I know.  Believe me I know.  The stress has been killing me.  I’ve had to rely on the Valium, which I had been doing pretty good without doing.  But I am glad I still have it as a backup option.

 

And thank you all for your kind words and well wishes and thoughts.  It’s meant a lot.  <3

 

Today we met with the international student advisor to discuss the issues we have (mostly financial).  As I had even said at the outset of the meeting, I was fine if I didn’t get into the Ph.D. program.  I honestly didn’t think I would, given my not so great grades this year here.  Granted I’ve had a good reason.  It isn’t every year your mum passes away.  While I should’t use it as an excuse, well I just haven’t exactly put the effort in since.  I’ve been upset.

So we have some options financially- we can apply for a hardship loan and lucky for us they still have one meeting.  So I need to fill out an application and get my advisor to sign off and find some documents.  But this should keep us afloat for the next 2 months.

Because in September I will get my new batch of student loans.  For the Ph.D. program I got accepted into unconditionally.  :)  Yes I got in.  Unconditionally.  I can’t really believe it, actually.  So the next three years I will be researching bullying.  Not sure how I plan on doing that and working on the book I started, but I’m sure I can figure it out LOL!

So hopefully we will get the loan and I can spend August worrying about me and working on me.  Working out daily.  Looking for a part time job.  Finding a place to volunteer.  Perhaps finding a new flat, as we’ve just run out of room in our lovely, but small one bedroom flat.

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