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another week gone

April 10th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | depression | exercise | food choices | Glasgow | goals | grief | headache | health | motivation | pain | update | weigh ins - (0 Comments)

and another 2lbs up.  :(  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.

 

I’m afraid I’m going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can’t get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I’m bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don’t want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can’t even want to be with me.  I don’t even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It’s why I don’t bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can’t be bothered to put on a mask.  I’m too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.



I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.



Living sucks.  I don’t know how to do it anymore.  I don ‘t know how to cope.  I don’t know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I’ve ended up but I don’t have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.



I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don’t even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum…..  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

Bleurg

April 4th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in calories | exercise | fitness | food | Glasgow | goals | gym | headache | health | motivation | pain | update | weight loss - (0 Comments)

Bleurg.  This weight loss and exercise keeps getting derailed.  First, my shoulder (which still isn’t back to normal), my ankle (which is starting to get better), and my never ending headaches.

My weight is up again- only a pound, but still.  I have now gained 30 pounds since my surgery in July.  NOT THE RIGHT WAY AROUND.

I’m trying a few things out to see if it helps.  I am starting to taper off on some of my meds to see if they are affecting my weight gain.  We got a stability ball and a mini trampoline that I can use at home.  I downloaded some Tae Bo and I am going to try to get to a spinning class this week.  I am walking more, as much as my ankle will let me- as it heals.

I would really like to be down to 200 by the end of the month- which is not likely to happen but I would like it before I go to London- to look and feel better about myself.

Update

March 20th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in depression | exercise | food | Glasgow | health - (1 Comments)

I’ve been back in Glasgow a week, but I really haven’t had much to say.  I left last Saturday afternoon, and my mum passed away a few hours after.  :(  I haven’t really been in a “healthy” mindframe, nor have I been extremely off track.  I’ve been on several walks since I got back, but I haven’t made the best choices in snacks either.  I’ve just been too distracted mentally not to mention jet lagged earlier in the week.

I am hoping this week is better for working out and eating.  Of course I have some sort of cold thing that is making me run down as anything and I feel like crap, so the exercising might have to wait- again.  Unless I wake up tomorrow and feel 100% better of course.

I have yet to weigh myself this week b/c I totally forgot today, but I did weigh last week and was up 2 lbs but considering the lack of healthy food and no $ at home and travel and the stress, that wasn’t bad at all.

New new new new new neurologist

February 22nd, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | Glasgow | headache | health | meds | neuro | pain | Scotland | tmi i know | UK | update - (0 Comments)

Yes, this was neuro #5.  He seemed pleasant enough, but did cut me off a few times when I was explaining some of the medical history and he also declined a copy of the records I had brought with me.

He asked all the usual questions that I have been asked countless times before and he did a basic neuro exam (similiar to what neuro #2 used to do).

Diagnosis: Chronic headache with migranious tendencies (or chronic migraine w/out aura).  I find this amusing b/c I had been told by 4 other neurologists that these headaches aren’t migraines.  He is basing it on the fact that when my head hurts I want to lay down and be alone.  Doesn’t everyone want to do that when they have a headache?  *shrugs*

I mentioned that it might be tied in with my cycles and he wasn’t convinced.  (???) and said that regular pills were not advisable at my age (JFC I’m only 35.  Oh God I’m 35. Someone prep my headstone now) and that I could try a mini pill, but he didn’t want to add too many things in at once and it will be revisited in 3 months when I go again.


So the plan is…

Continue Venlafaxine in am.  Currently continue ativan.  Add flunarizine as a preventative at night.  For pain, I have to go to get a script for some naproxen/triptan combination which will probably kill me but he said this is a far lower dose than the imitrex that sent me to the ER.  He also wants me to stop the ativan.  I should be titrated off it, he said.  I am concerned about this b/c what happens when I have a debilitating panic attack and have no pharmacological help?  He said there was nothing that could be prescribed.  So everyone in the UK who has anxiety issues just sits there and takes it?  I don’t believe that for a second.  I am hoping my GP can assist me in that area.  My mom is sick back home (she is doing fine BTW) and I am trying to get my dissertation started.  I need help with the anxiety.  It isn’t a joke.  He al,so said it was harder to come off of ativan than heroin.  FUN TIEMS AHEAD.  (or not)

Who knows, maybe this new med will be the magic pill . . . . .

There is more to healthy than what is on the scale

February 21st, 2011 | Posted by cindy in dentist | exercise | Glasgow | goals | headache | health | neuro | update - (0 Comments)

While I find myself obsessing over the number all the time, I know there are other things I can do to help get me/keep me healthy.  Today I tackled one of them.

I went to the dentist.

Now, I hate the dentist.  I didn’t really go much as a kid, and as an adult, once I had insurance I was there all the time making up for 15 years + of lost time.  Then in my early 20′s I got braces to fully take care of my very damaged and crooked teeth.

Since then they have been ok, a few cavities here and there.  But when I lost full time employment in MA, I lost dental coverage.  So I hadn’t been to the dentist in about 2 years.  I just couldn’t afford the $60 + for cleanings, not to mention what fillings would cost out of pocket.

I had a consult and some xrays today and found that in one of my upper teeth there needs to be a major filling replacement.  It’s loose and grimy and it is an issue I have had with this tooth before, so it is no surprise.   They are also going to fix my very chipped tooth in front, so finally after 7-8 years without braces, that last bit will be complete.   They are also offering a teeth whitening special, but there is no way I can afford it.  I can hardly afford the treatment I have to have now (169 quid!) but I can tell that the fillings are loose and need to be replaced ASAP before I have more problems.

Tomorrow’s health adventure is my neuro consult (finally).  I got on the phone and called them today asking why I hadn’t been contacted yet, and they had an opening for tomorrow, so I grabbed it.  Hopefully, whoever I see can fix this 4 year long headache, or at the very least, give me some good drugs.  ;)

Let’s hope I can also get in touch with the physio people so I can have my shoulder professionally evaluated as well, so working out is easier, and far less painful.

Weigh in #1

February 20th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in calories | fitness | Glasgow | goals | gym | health | update | weigh ins | weight | weight loss | weight watchers | workout - (2 Comments)

Today was my first weigh in.  I lost 1 pound.  :(  I had hoped it would be more.

I am doing ok with the WW points.  I ate all the weekly points, but not all of the exercise points as I was not sure if I was making 100% entries since some things weren’t on the lists and I didn’t always have the calorie info.  Funny, after I entered my weight today, the online system told me I had one less point to eat per day now.

I feel like this will take forever, as WW has me ending up between 7-9 stone as a final weight.  *sigh*

Hopefully next week will be better.

I went to the gym twice, and took a long walk, and another long walk today.   We walked down Byres road, through the Arboretum, and then back up along Great Western Road and then through campus and back home.

Some pics from today’s walk:

Le sigh

February 4th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in Glasgow | health | pain | weight - (0 Comments)

I was feeling good about myself and everything yesterday and had big ideas and dreams of a positive post today.  But now the end of the day has come, and those ideas are gone.

I’m just frustrated.  I’m frustrated b/c even with low carb, counting calories, or Tony Ferguson shakes I’m not losing weight.  In fact, I’m either the same or more every time I weigh.

I’m angry at myself for getting this far behind again.

I’m frustrated b/c it hurts to walk (foot and shoulder) which means working out seems like a far off place.

I hate being jealous of my girlfriend who gets skinnier by the day.

I hate that I had surgery partially to make working out easier, and then never worked out afterwards.

I hate feeling this way.

I know the only way to overcome it is to change with healthy habits and a positive attitude.   If only my heart and desire could make the rest of me do it.

medical update

January 26th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in exercise | Glasgow | goals | health | obesity | pain | update | weight - (0 Comments)

Tomorrow it will be six months since my breast reduction.  Scary.  They have healed nicely- some scarring, but I was never worried about that.  They are bigger than I hoped, but I hope some of that can be taken care of with exercise.

I went to the physio open house re: my shoulder today.  I am on the wait list for an assessment and a final determination as to whether or not this is frozen shoulder.    I have all the criteria.  So I have to wait on that.

My foot still isn’t any better even with inserts and wearing trainers instead of fun boots.  *eyeroll*   I will give it another few days and then contact the GP and be like ok, this has gone on long enough.

Still waiting for neuro consult.  *eyeroll*

Weight so far this week is stable.  Yesterday sucked eating wise b/c I overslept and didn’t have time to make anything (not that I had food to make) and had fast-ish food and then by the time I got home from school I was starving and then we fell asleep and ended up getting Chinese takeout.  Mine is noodles and veggies and of course they didn’t listen to NO SAUCE AT ALL and did add it so I had to wash it all off as best as I can, take a ton of antihistamines and hoped for the best.

Right now all I want is a nap

Day 5

November 30th, 2010 | Posted by cindy in food | health | weight loss - (0 Comments)

205, thank goodness, going down

 

Spent the entire day walking around, freezing.  It was so cold and snowed on and off.  Got a few things done, but not everything I had hoped.  Hopefully things will keep going on a positive note.  :)

We got off to a late start so I had a quick bite while out, and a cheese toasty for lunch.  :)

 

Day 4

November 29th, 2010 | Posted by cindy in food | health | weight loss - (0 Comments)

207 holding ugh

Stomach still a bit off, still feel dehydrated despite all of the water yesterday and today.

I wasn’t very hungry most of the day, sort of picked at meals and whatnot.

Went out to get a few things at Tesco; it’s an ice rink out there!  It isn’t safe to walk out there!  And it snowed again on top of the ice- lovely.  :(