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I’ve submitted my paperwork for a hardship loan from the university.  Say what you want about me, and how I live my life, but it isn’t easy living just on school loans.  I don’t have a rich family to help me out.  In fact, there is nothing further from the truth than that.  I don’t have my mum to ask to give me a tiny helping hand (in this case the ability to have my dissertation printed and bound, or food to eat).  I may have made a few poor decisions, but nothing like the past.  I’ve tried hard.  Really.  So please do not judge me, unless you’ve walked in my shoes, and lived through this.

If you know me, you may know I’ve made poor financial decisions in the past, but this year has been different.  I get a set amount every few months and I live on that and that alone.  I’ve been careful.  I never expected to have to go home and watch my mum die, or to have my flat broken into.  No one expects these things.  And I’d appreciate if you kept your thoughts about my past mistakes to yourself.  Thank you.  Because you do not know how hard the past few months have been for me.  

There is nothing I can do about this, but worry now.  To put my fate in the hands of people I do not know, and hope my story is moving enough for them to grant the loan.

It’s been a hard year.  I’ve had surgery, moved across the pond, started and ended a relationship, had my flat broken into, and lost my mum.  It has not been easy.  I don’t want pity.  I’d just appreciate good thoughts directed here.  That is all I ask.  No judgement.  Just positive thoughts.

And I am scared and worried as to what will happen if this loan isn’t granted.  I will hopefully know the day I plead my case, which is Thursday.  If the answer is no, I will be pawning anything of value so I can have my dissertation printed and bound by its due date.  And hope there is enough left over for food.  I don’t know what we’ll do without money for rent and utilities.

I know people will tell me to be positive, but I’ve had too much good luck lately, and I don’t want to get cocky and think it’s in the bag, when it may very well not be the case.

I just wish I didn’t have to wait until Thursday to find out.

 

 

It has been all doom and gloom here lately, I know.  Believe me I know.  The stress has been killing me.  I’ve had to rely on the Valium, which I had been doing pretty good without doing.  But I am glad I still have it as a backup option.

 

And thank you all for your kind words and well wishes and thoughts.  It’s meant a lot.  <3

 

Today we met with the international student advisor to discuss the issues we have (mostly financial).  As I had even said at the outset of the meeting, I was fine if I didn’t get into the Ph.D. program.  I honestly didn’t think I would, given my not so great grades this year here.  Granted I’ve had a good reason.  It isn’t every year your mum passes away.  While I should’t use it as an excuse, well I just haven’t exactly put the effort in since.  I’ve been upset.

So we have some options financially- we can apply for a hardship loan and lucky for us they still have one meeting.  So I need to fill out an application and get my advisor to sign off and find some documents.  But this should keep us afloat for the next 2 months.

Because in September I will get my new batch of student loans.  For the Ph.D. program I got accepted into unconditionally.  :)  Yes I got in.  Unconditionally.  I can’t really believe it, actually.  So the next three years I will be researching bullying.  Not sure how I plan on doing that and working on the book I started, but I’m sure I can figure it out LOL!

So hopefully we will get the loan and I can spend August worrying about me and working on me.  Working out daily.  Looking for a part time job.  Finding a place to volunteer.  Perhaps finding a new flat, as we’ve just run out of room in our lovely, but small one bedroom flat.

- . . .with everything.  Writing,  life, relationships, keeping the flat clean- just everything.

-It’s after 2pm and I still have yet to write one word on my dissertation today.

-I can’t remember the last time I worked out.

-Money issues have overtaken my worry over the dissertation- which is kind of sad really.

-The only time in days I have been relaxed was when we went to see Goblet of Fire last night.  It was 2 + hours where I didn’t have to think- and just waited for Barty Crouch Jr. to show some tongue action.  ;)

-Everything seems to set me off emotionally.

-I just want to know that everything is going to work out and I am not going to end up on the streets begging for money.  (Granted if I were an optimist, I would already feel that way, but with the money to run out by August 1, my dissertation due August 3, and no idea if I’ve gotten into the PhD program, all I can see is the reality of the situation, and it ain’t pretty.  I’d rather be sad and realistic about the next 2 months than optimistic- and then have it all come crashing down)

-Yes, I know that’s sad.

-I better get writing.  Too bad I can’ t use this word count toward my dissertation.

-Hopefully I will be back tomorrow with a much happier post.

 

Anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog for that matter (which is probably why I don’t get many comments) knows or has read that I am a glass is half empty kinda gal.  I am always negative.  Nothing is every right.  Nothing ever goes right.  I’m a mess, a disaster, and nothing good ever happens to me. 

I certainly feel that way right now.  This year has sucked so far.  I’ve had health issues.  My mum has died.  I’ve had academic issues.  My flat has been robbed, and belongings stolen.  I can’t lose weight.  I was sick for over  a month.  I went to London and got spat on.  I could go on.

So while I am very aware of how negative I am, I wonder how much of this is the fault of negative thinking?  I mean I am sure I didn’t have a cold/infection/whatever for a month + because I was upset about being ill.  I am sure my flat wasn’t burgled because I am down on myself all the time, right? 

My question is, is that if I were more positive, would things go right?  Would finishing my dissertation be a breeze?  Will I meet David Tennant next week?  Will I get into the PhD programme or get a fab job offer?  Will I suddenly lose 20 pounds and get rid of this headache I’ve had for 5 years? 

Because I will be honest.  I am starting to panic.  My dissertation is due on 3 August.  (I had no idea what the due date was b/c I didn’t see the attachment I was sent before today and I really thought I had more time.)  I still don’t know what the deal will be with the PhD programme.  I was under the impression that all the document were received based on an email I received but I checked the online checker thing and it said it was on hold waiting for documents.  And if I don’t get in, how am I going to get home?  Will I have a place to live, a job, anything?  I am really in a panic here.  People always say things will work out, but I don’t want to go back home and be homeless and have nothing at all. 

So do I think positively and get on with it or do I keep with my negative (but realistic as I always thought) ways?  And that way I will be pleased when the outcome is positive, but not disappointed if it isn’t. 

Ok.  Procrastination over.

New diet plan

June 19th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Dukan diet | health | life | obesity | weight - (0 Comments)

While I was waiting to see the doctor the other day, I was thumbing through some magazine and there was a feature on the Dukan diet.  When I got home with my weeks worth of antibiotics I did some research on it, did up my profile, and decided that I would try this out.

What it entails:
A 4 phase plan where you start off with protein foods, then merge into the  next stage where you alternate protein days with protein and veggie days, and then into the last 2 phases where you begin to slowly add in “regular” foods and learn to eat in moderation.  (The website and book make this more clear than I am right now I am sure.)

The website gave me an idea of how long I would be on each phase and a target weight as well. (the target weight is higher than my ideal goal- but given my difficulty in even losing a pound, having something that may seem more attainable is good for me right now.)  I’m eating eggs, chicken, fish, yoghurt, low fat dairy, and oat bran.  I haven’t felt really deprived, but I have been hungry.

Now, for some of you this may seem like a fad diet or not healthy or dangerous, or not Earth friendly with the addition of protein sources.  I know that this may not be a perfect solution.  I know that I may not even agree 100% philosophically with the increased protein and no veggies/carbs in the attack phase.  However, having PCOS, and knowing I need to be on a lower carb diet b/c of this (as I have been told)  it is a realistic plan that has set things that I can and cannot eat, and that is what I need right now.   I also know it is not forever.  If I get to the end of my attack phase (7 days) and I have not seen results, I will stop. Steph has even agreed to do this with me (and has already lost over 6 lbs!).  Unfortunately, I have not seen the results she has.

Day 1: -3 lbs (YAY)
Day 2 +2 (BOO)
Day 3: +0.4 (BOO)


I could make excuses for this, but I don’t really have any.  I’ve been following the plan. Granted I am still sick and on antibiotics, not to mention that the painters are in right now (just what I needed!), and who knows what either/both of those things have done to my body right now.  I will just have to wait and see.  The site said I should lose 6 lbs in the induction phase.  I hope I do.  I need a boost to my waistline and my self-esteem so that I can keep going and fighting.

What I ask for right now is support, not flaming or criticism for making this choice.  Thank you.

PS:  I also put in for a dietician referral.  Given how long it took for the neuro/pt one, I expect to get it by my birthday.

Still sick

June 18th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in dissertation | Glasgow | life | Scotland | writing - (0 Comments)

I’m still sick.  :(    This is getting really old.  I’ve been sick since the week before the 5K.  Granted gallavanting all over London town last weekend did me no favours.  However, it’s been a month.  I should be feeling better.  I’m on antibiotics.  The doctor said after 48 hours I’d be feeling better.  It’s been 4 days.  I still feel exhausted, drained, and miserable.  :(

I did manage to make it out of the house today to try and work on my dissertation.  (As you can see I am working hard.)

I really hope I am back to myself soon.  I am tired of feeling this way and having everything be a federal project.  I put away laundry last night and it wiped me out. That, and I have booked in for Pilates on Tuesday and I want to be feeling well enough to go.

I hope you’re all having a nice weekend!

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn’t sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.

Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn’t care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn’t exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 



We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado…. (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)

It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn’t ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre….

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they’d bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn’t have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn’t take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn’t know, was that this wouldn’t be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said “fat bitch,” and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage – (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can’t seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant’s autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren’t 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)   He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!

She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.


We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 

Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)

As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn’t attached to Victoria.  He didn’t care and told us we couldn’t bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin’ difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn’t care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn’t even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn’t share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn’t sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

Every day I read a lot of blogs (mostly when I should be working on my dissertation) and one thing I’ve noticed overall is how almost all the writers are up early working out or up early working (even if they aren’t working in the workplace.)

As a grad student I make my own hours, and I find it difficult to get up before noon.  Getting up today at around 10:30ish was killer and required a nap later on. Even when on vacation in London when we had to get up for free breakfast (which is a real motivator in my books) we managed it twice. And that was only making sure we were up by 9:20, a feat which should be relatively easy.

Even when I was working full time and had to get up at 6ish, it was difficult and it took a lot of coffee to get me going.  Don’t even get me started on trying to workout before.  The few times I attempted it left me red faced, sweaty and icky, and that was before dealing with the kids at school!

So, how do you do it?  Is sleeping late the cause of my weight gain and inability to lose weight?  Is it the wacky hours I keep?  Is it eating dinner at 9pm or later?  Or is it my laziness? Is it caused by being so far away from home and knowing that if I go out, when I come back I have to walk up 3 flights of stairs which makes my ankle hurt and my lungs want to collapse?  Is it a side effect of all those years of meds which never worked to try to fix my headache which still hasn’t gone away, or from wrecking my body with Optifast in 2006?

Am I just making excuses?
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I think I know I am frustrated.  I expected in the 2 weeks I worked out a lot to have lost at least a pound.  Right?  I was eating better, working out, I had more energy.  So of course I gained 3 pounds.

Being sick for the past 2 weeks hasn’t really helped and I’ve managed a handful of workouts and the 5K b/c I haven’t had the energy or been able to breathe from the coughing to workout.  (I’ve been to the doctor- they said it lasts 2-3 weeks, and there is nothing they can do, I just need rest and fluids, which I’ve been doing.)

I hope after my quickie trip to London this weekend I will be feeling more myself and back to working out and whatnot.  Because I certainly do not want to feel this way anymore.


How do you overcome setbacks?  


Are you a morning person?

Sorry for the blogging delay.  I have a lot of things I want to say, but I have been delayed by this cold, being achy from Pilates, pictures of David Tennant in MAAN, watching copious amounts of Lie to me doing my dissertation reading, and just life and being busy.

I should be back tomorrow evening or Friday day with posts on last night’s #fitblog chat, how my workouts are going, and a possible weigh in.

Today was supposed to be a practice dry run for my upcoming 5K.   It was not very promising.  I had got 5 minutes in my walk to the park and my hip was killing.  I tried stretching and all sorts of movement to get it to feel right, and I could just not get it aligned.

View of University of Glasgow from within Kelvingrove Park

Once I got to the park and began the running portion, it was not good.  I managed 1.5/4 out of the running portions of week 3 day 1 of C25K.  Granted I have not run outside in about a year and all the running I have been doing over the past 2-3 weeks has been on the treadmill, but I know I will be walking most of Sunday’s 5K.

It will be so much easier if I can lose weight (quickly) and keep it off to run, and to do anything.

Tomorrow’s workout is a pilates class and either walking or biking.  I also need to start to figure out a way to get to the gym once this bus pass runs out.  The bus pass costs more than the gym membership!

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Total mileage today: 5.79 miles