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I haven’t been posting b/c I really haven’t had anything to say.  I know no one wants to read about how I have negative  money in my bank account (yes, literally), or that I am facing another potential health issue.  People want fun, positive posts, I know that, but right now other than handing in my dissertation, it’s been pretty quiet on the happy front.

 

The good:

1.  This was handed in, thanks to my friend Tom.

 

 

2. I had a lovely time meeting fellow DT fan Wendy in Edinburgh this week.  It was an impromptu trip that caused a little stress but all in all it was a good time- especially since I couldn’t help contribute in any way financially, which bummed me out, but again it was nice to meet a fellow DT fan from the states!

 

The bad:

1. Money- so yeah I really have no money, and won’t until Monday when I get  my emergency crisis hardship check.  Like I’ve said before, clearly it is such a hardship that I had to wait more than 2 weeks for it.  I didn’t need to eat or anything.

2. Eating- It’s been crap b/c my diet has been 97.6% carb based in the form of pasta or bread (we found  bread mix kit thing in the pantry).  It’s frustrating and temporary, yet so unhealthy.

3. Pain.  I thought I had just bruised my tailbone in spinning class.  And then it donned on me that I haven’t been spinning in 2 months.  A little google and web md and I’ve come up with a diagnosis of sciatica.  It hurts to sit (tailbone, bottom area), it hurts to walk- pain radiating down my legs into my knees, and my feet.  It hurts to walk to the store or around the flat even.  Yesterday walking back from Uni, I nearly cried from the pain.  So I need to get a dr. appt hopefully for Monday once they release the appts at 5:30.

 

The future:

1. I need to figure out how to accept my offer to the PhD program, make sure I get my funding ASAP.

2. I need to write up CV’s for myself and Steph (I volunteered to do this while she finishes her dissertation)

3. I need to look for jobs and volunteer opportunities for myself for extra money so this situation doesn’t happen again.

4. Getting a 90 minute massage from a groupon I bought ages ago.

 

So there you have it, a little bit o’ good, and the rest.  Have a great weekend!

I’ve been quiet here for the past few days.  I really haven’t had much to say, because I haven’t really done anything.  A lack of funds will do that.  I also haven’t been feeling well either.  I think I am just tired from writing and the stress of it all, I guess.

Today was a better day and I found out I had to submit to plain paper copies of my dissertation as well as the fancy printed and bound copy (why do they never tell you these things?) so I did that and got my print and bound copy sorted as well.  It won’t be in on time but the 2 other copies were in early and that was fine.  (I was already granted an extension if I needed it, but was actually done early. -Who am I?)

Now I just need to find the motivation to work on me, and move on with my life and start working out again and eating better (well once we get money.  I forsee pasta in my future for all 3 meals for the next week).  I am just having a hard time doing it.  It isn’t like I have time constraints.  I have NOTHING to do for the next month and 12 days.  I need to get back out there and get motivated, I just can’t seem to do it.  It’s sad.  I know it is. I just need to find a way to do it.  I know I am not the only one out there struggling to find motivation- it’s been on plenty of blogs I read.  But of course no one else has the luxury of having fuck all to do for the next 42 days.  I should be able to find and make and want to do it, but for some reason….. I  have no idea why it is so hard.  Maybe it is because just walking is so damned painful-I mean really I should not feel like my legs have been kicked and punched after a short walk.  My feet shouldn’t hurt so much that I need to soak them in hot water.  I shouldn’t be waking up and struggling to walk to the kitchen b/c it hurts.  And you would think that this would make me want to, desire to, run to walk and walk and then run and do lots of things to make it better, but I can only feel the pain and the fear that it will never get better. That I will never lose weight or succeed or anything.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for walking and for this mental barrier I have.

My goal for August is to walk at least 3 miles every day, which shouldn’t be a problem for someone who has done several 5k’s, a 10K, and walked 20 miles in the walk for hunger.

 

How do you overcome challenges, mental or physical when it comes to working out?  Have you ever experienced pain just from short walks, or from doing just nothing at all?

I’ve submitted my paperwork for a hardship loan from the university.  Say what you want about me, and how I live my life, but it isn’t easy living just on school loans.  I don’t have a rich family to help me out.  In fact, there is nothing further from the truth than that.  I don’t have my mum to ask to give me a tiny helping hand (in this case the ability to have my dissertation printed and bound, or food to eat).  I may have made a few poor decisions, but nothing like the past.  I’ve tried hard.  Really.  So please do not judge me, unless you’ve walked in my shoes, and lived through this.

If you know me, you may know I’ve made poor financial decisions in the past, but this year has been different.  I get a set amount every few months and I live on that and that alone.  I’ve been careful.  I never expected to have to go home and watch my mum die, or to have my flat broken into.  No one expects these things.  And I’d appreciate if you kept your thoughts about my past mistakes to yourself.  Thank you.  Because you do not know how hard the past few months have been for me.  

There is nothing I can do about this, but worry now.  To put my fate in the hands of people I do not know, and hope my story is moving enough for them to grant the loan.

It’s been a hard year.  I’ve had surgery, moved across the pond, started and ended a relationship, had my flat broken into, and lost my mum.  It has not been easy.  I don’t want pity.  I’d just appreciate good thoughts directed here.  That is all I ask.  No judgement.  Just positive thoughts.

And I am scared and worried as to what will happen if this loan isn’t granted.  I will hopefully know the day I plead my case, which is Thursday.  If the answer is no, I will be pawning anything of value so I can have my dissertation printed and bound by its due date.  And hope there is enough left over for food.  I don’t know what we’ll do without money for rent and utilities.

I know people will tell me to be positive, but I’ve had too much good luck lately, and I don’t want to get cocky and think it’s in the bag, when it may very well not be the case.

I just wish I didn’t have to wait until Thursday to find out.

 

 

It has been all doom and gloom here lately, I know.  Believe me I know.  The stress has been killing me.  I’ve had to rely on the Valium, which I had been doing pretty good without doing.  But I am glad I still have it as a backup option.

 

And thank you all for your kind words and well wishes and thoughts.  It’s meant a lot.  <3

 

Today we met with the international student advisor to discuss the issues we have (mostly financial).  As I had even said at the outset of the meeting, I was fine if I didn’t get into the Ph.D. program.  I honestly didn’t think I would, given my not so great grades this year here.  Granted I’ve had a good reason.  It isn’t every year your mum passes away.  While I should’t use it as an excuse, well I just haven’t exactly put the effort in since.  I’ve been upset.

So we have some options financially- we can apply for a hardship loan and lucky for us they still have one meeting.  So I need to fill out an application and get my advisor to sign off and find some documents.  But this should keep us afloat for the next 2 months.

Because in September I will get my new batch of student loans.  For the Ph.D. program I got accepted into unconditionally.  :)  Yes I got in.  Unconditionally.  I can’t really believe it, actually.  So the next three years I will be researching bullying.  Not sure how I plan on doing that and working on the book I started, but I’m sure I can figure it out LOL!

So hopefully we will get the loan and I can spend August worrying about me and working on me.  Working out daily.  Looking for a part time job.  Finding a place to volunteer.  Perhaps finding a new flat, as we’ve just run out of room in our lovely, but small one bedroom flat.

- . . .with everything.  Writing,  life, relationships, keeping the flat clean- just everything.

-It’s after 2pm and I still have yet to write one word on my dissertation today.

-I can’t remember the last time I worked out.

-Money issues have overtaken my worry over the dissertation- which is kind of sad really.

-The only time in days I have been relaxed was when we went to see Goblet of Fire last night.  It was 2 + hours where I didn’t have to think- and just waited for Barty Crouch Jr. to show some tongue action.  ;)

-Everything seems to set me off emotionally.

-I just want to know that everything is going to work out and I am not going to end up on the streets begging for money.  (Granted if I were an optimist, I would already feel that way, but with the money to run out by August 1, my dissertation due August 3, and no idea if I’ve gotten into the PhD program, all I can see is the reality of the situation, and it ain’t pretty.  I’d rather be sad and realistic about the next 2 months than optimistic- and then have it all come crashing down)

-Yes, I know that’s sad.

-I better get writing.  Too bad I can’ t use this word count toward my dissertation.

-Hopefully I will be back tomorrow with a much happier post.

 

Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don’t want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.

1.  I think I totally fucked up my dissertation.  I’ve never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it.  Well that is what I did.  And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go.  Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.

I’m supposed to have a research question and a method.  Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn’t time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything.  (Ok no bunnies, but whatever). 

So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish. 

Of course my advisor is away until Friday.  FML.

2.  The above is all my fault.  I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states…and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry.  I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything.  It is not fucking fair.  And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn’t help.  I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now.  I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don’t see it. 

3.  I have no idea what I’m doing.  I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program.  Good.  Brilliant. Fantastic.  But if not….well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don’t get…..

4.  I suck at asking for help.  I’m almost 36.  I should GET it by now.  I should be independent and have it down.  But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don’t know how to ask for help. 

5.  I’m terrified of what will happen if I have to go home.  I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go?  What am I going to do?  Will I be able to find a job?

6.  I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven’t gone to the gym in ages.

7.  I haven’t even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.

8.  Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people.  No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off.  And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows.  NO LOVE.- me.

My blogs have had various incarnations over the years.  I started blogging at neophytegirl.net a long time ago, when I had my own domain.  This was many years ago.  I know I had a backup of it sometime ago, but I can’t find it…..at least at the moment.  I’ve had my LJ and now recently I had toocurvyagain at wordpress and abostongirlinglasgow which I merged into one. 

But I think it is time for a change.  I’m still a Boston girl.  I’m still in Glasgow.  But that isn’t who I am and it isn’t what defines me.  I was going to have a vote or a suggestion entry about what I should change the name of my blog to.  And then I realized, having someone else name it, won’t work.

Hence- Cindy’s struggles.  That is my name, and well my life has been a series of struggles. 

So that is that.

The London trip was fun and packed and yes, I met David Tennant and Catherine Tate.  The play was brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant- I want to go back and see it again and again (and if I can get down there to see it again, I will- after my dissertation is done, of course!)  I hope to get to write up about the play ASAP.

As far as the healthiness journey goes, I’m working on eliminating gluten to see if it helps with the headaches.  I hope to get back to the gym this week as well.  If it doesn’t happen, I am not going to stress too much over it as I believe I have about 2 weeks to finish my dissertation, and that has to come first.  I will have plenty of time afterwards.

How do you deal with stress, deadlines, and workouts?

This weekend was really awesome in some ways, and absolutely horrendous in others. I hope I can do justice in documenting it.


Thursday night: 
Steph and I took the overnight bus from Glasgow to London.  Let me warn you, folks.  Not a good idea.  While very cheap, it SUCKS.  We had hoped to spread out (like everyone else) but ended up having to sit together, which while fine, it just meant neither of us had much room.   It also meant I didn’t sleep.  At all.  The bus itself was noisy, it was too light (for me), and the seats were uncomfortable.  The only good thing was the wi-fi.  Finally at 4ish I gave up trying to rest and listened to the Red Sox rout the Yankees, which gave me enough adrenaline to function once we arrived in London.

Friday: 
Once we arrived we set up camp in a Starbucks for a while (waiting for the commuter rush to be over) and had coffee and breakfast.  The pancakes were pretty good, IMO.  We hung out there for a while and then got on the Tube and headed to Leicester Square.  We walked around a bit, and then got more coffee at Costa and figured out the rest of the day.

We then got the tube and a train to Crystal Palace, where our hotel was.  Now, google maps really fucked up on this one and had us walk this RIDICULOUS way to the hotel up 2 massive hills where I was actually convinced I was going to have a heart attack and die.  My ankle was killing, I was starving, and I was walking up this hill that was insane.  And did I mention it was raining and I am carrying a heavy backpack?

We finally got to the hotel (early) and sat waiting for the room to be ready.  Finally, it was- all I wanted to do was sleep.  I didn’t care that the restaurant that was advertised to be a part of the hotel didn’t exist.  I just wanted to sleep.  I did just that. 

2 hours and change later, Steph woke me up.  Now, at this point, I really wish I had just told her to go on without me.  I was that tired.  (and in hindsight I wish I had).  I finally dragged myself into the shower and got ready.  We found an easier way to walk back to the train station and on the way stopped at a restaurant called the Grape and the Grain.  I had a falafel sandwich, and it was really, really good.  I was starving at that point and was planning on stopping at the first place we saw, I just needed to eat as it was a long time since those pancakes. 



We ate and then headed to the train station and took the train back into the city to go back into Leicester square.  It was our plan to wait for David Tennant and Catherine Tate after the evening performance of Much Ado…. (this was the backup plan in case when we see them later in the month that we had a chance for autographs).  When we got there the barriers were up, but no one was out waiting yet, so we figured we had some time to kill.  We wandered around and went to Amorino for gelato (the best gelato in the world IMO)

It was raining, so after the gelato, we found refuge in little shops, trying to stay dry.  It was at this point I began to get very panicked and nervous.  I have issues with social anxiety, which I think was the main contribution to being so panicked, and being exhausted- also a trigger.  When we arrived back at the barrier, Steph was so excited, I knew I couldn’t ruin this for her, so I said I would just wait for her away from the theatre….

I paced around for a bit, and then decided so I went to get a coffee across from the theatre.  I ordered from the take away menu, but they had me sit down and they’d bring me my coffee.  They did and asked me to pay.  Now the menu said £1.80 and they now told me it was £2.70.  I explained I had asked for take away as I didn’t have the £2.70 ( I had £2.66) and they didn’t take cards either.  So the waitress went away to ask about it and came back and told me that they would have to take the coffee away and told me I needed to leave immediately.  (So they would rather lose 4 pence than put the coffee in a take away cup and give it to me?)  Humiliated, I walked away.  What I didn’t know, was that this wouldn’t be the most humiliating part of my evening yet.

I walked around back to the front of the theatre, but across the street to wait.  A group of quite possibly very drunk people came up to me and shoved me into the grate behind me, and walked away laughing.  Not much later, some random guy walked past me, said “fat bitch,” and spit on me.  (Luckily I had a napkin in my pocket.)  I was humiliated and embarrassed, and I felt terrible- like I was back in high school being bulled and barked at on a daily basis.  And then of course (since I am doing my dissertation on bullying) began thinking of others who have had it so much worse and I realized I was getting a bit desensitized to this kind of behaviour, b/c when I tweeted about it so many people were in an outrage – (while I was blaming myself for how I looked, how I am, how I can’t seem to get myself under control and lose weight and how painful doing some things is there by perpetuating the entire thing in a vicious cycle.)

Steph came back from getting Catherine Tate and David Tennant’s autographs a little after, and I was very happy she was happy and glad she was done, b/c I just wanted to go back to the hotel- which we did after a bit of difficulty in trying to get a cab back to the hotel ( I was too tired and sore to walk the mile in the rain and dark.)

Saturday:
Saturday we had a big day planned.  We needed to check out of the hotel, go to Barking (on the other side of London) to Big Finish day to meet Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred, and then go back to the other side of London to Clapham Common to see INXS.  (When I made the original plans I was just going to the concert alone, and then when I won 2 tickets Steph decided to come with me and then we found out about Big Finish day, hence the back and forth.)

We headed out, got money and breakfast and took the overground, to the DLR, to the train to Barking.  We weren’t 100% sure about the directions google maps gave us, so we took a cab to the location (good thing as the maps had it wrong).  We wandered around looking at merchandise and pictures and whatnot waiting for the celebs to come back from lunch. 

Finally we got a chance to talk to Colin Baker.  He was funny and gracious.  I told him we found his tweets funny, and he asked what my username was- I told him what it was and that I was the one who kept asking for the Bayban avatar.  He laughed and said he was trying to find a picture and would change it soon for me.  :)   He signed for us and then we went on our way to meet Sophie Aldred who took a picture with the Plushies for us!

She also signed for us and then we decided we had enough of the con and headed off to make our way to Clapham Commons.  We had time to kill, so we stopped at Starbucks to have a coffee before heading over.


We finally went over to the commons, and found a place to sit and relax.  It was nice out at that point, and there were plenty of people to watch and it was nice to just relax. 

Finally, INXS came on and I was so excited.  I jumped around and danced and sang along.  ( I am going to make a separate blog entry just for the show)

As soon as the show was over, we had to book it to the tube to get to Victoria station in time for the bus.  We made it just in time (had the tube not kept STOPPING for no reason, we would have had plenty of time.)  The bus driver was very rude to me and told me that usually they leave 5 minutes early (if you leave at 10 you should leave at 10) and that we should have gotten there earlier.  I explained that we got lost trying to find the bus area as it isn’t attached to Victoria.  He didn’t care and told us we couldn’t bring dinner on as it was hot food.  (what is the friggin’ difference between a hot and cold sandwich).  I didn’t care, I shoved it in my bag and ate it anyway.  I was starving!

We couldn’t even sit together on the bus b/c people were all spread out and wouldn’t share or move so we could sit together.  It was extremely rude and I was really pissed off.  And the guy I ended up sitting next to kept spreading over into my seat- at one point I was sitting on the handle and had no where to move- I was going to sit on the floor in the aisle at that point!  I didn’t sleep at all again, and I was SO glad when we got back to Glasgow. 

We got home at about 7ish, I changed and passed out until about 4 in the afternoon, got up and ate dinner, and went back to bed.  I am still tired now, but not as much. 

And how was  your weekend?

The morning dawned far too early and chilly for my liking.  I still wasn’t feeling (and still am not) better, but I downed cold meds and vitamins with a cup of coffee and rushed around getting ready.  I don’t like to be late for things, especially when I am not 100% sure of where I am going, and I didn’t double check the time the bus was leaving, so we ended up taking a later one, which ended up being fine.  One thing we learned today, don’t get off the bus when everyone else does- they might not have a clue where they are going either!

After a bit of wandering through Buchanan and St. Enoch, and a stop at Costa for Steph, we followed the sea of pink to Glasgow Green.  We dropped off 2 bags of clothing donations, and headed for the start.  Steph planned to run most of it, and I planned to do a mix, depending on whether or not I could breathe (not very well).

We were separated quickly, so I cranked up the tunes and read people’s messages of hope on their bibs as they passed me (gasping for air mostly LOL).  This hit a little close to home, as I would see young women and kids with bibs that said “for my mummy.”  I hadn’t realized (and IDK why) messages of hope and remembrance could be for anyone, not just people who had passed away from breast cancer.  (The large amount of remembrances for dads and grandpa’s showed this.) I definitely would have done my bib differently had I known.

I had a hard time keeping my heart rate down due to being ill and the cold meds I am sure.  I ended up walking more than I hoped b/c my heart rate was in the 150-160 range even while walking, and when running would boot up to over 180 very quickly.  I also wish I had reset my Nike+ at the start, as opposed to when I started it up walking TO the race.  There were no mile markers or water stops (??? why ???) so I had no idea of my time or how far I had gone.  My “official” finish was 43 minutes and change give or take, which is pretty good for an out of shape, and way too overweight for her height 35 year old! (ok, it isn’t, and I was humbled by many people I would consider not in the best shape passing me, including the elderly and those with canes.  Yes, I kid you not.)

Once I finally saw a mile marker for 4K, I was so relieved and I picked up my pace.  Finally I saw where the finish line was and pretty much sprinted (as much as I can sprint) to it!  I was greeted by volunteers and received a medal, a carry bag with random items, and a bottle of water (thank goodness).

Steph finished in 34 minutes and I am very proud of her- I never did a 34 minute 5K when I was in the best of shape and FAR skinnier.  (is also jealous)

I did try to take some pics along the way….. Some of my pics are dark, and I do apologize.

running past the statues at George Square

Idk LOL

interesting 
architecture

Bridge and the River Clyde

Greenhouse/Cafe on Glasgow Green

Fountain at People’s Palace

People’s Palace

more info on the fountain

I love this fountain!

View across the way

Look it’s the fountain again!

I do wish I had gotten pics of us before or after the race but that didn’t happen.  Oops.  I was very glad when it was over and I could sit down for a few and use my inhaler.  We had a bit of a hard time meeting up, but we did find each other in the sea of pink, and headed off to find food.  I was STARVING.  This is probably the first race I’ve ever done where I was so hungry after.

We made our way away from the Green and back through Merchant City and St. Enoch where we got the subway back to Hillhead and headed to Little Italy for pizza (to make up for all the calories I lost!).  The pizza was great and so was the cappuccino.  We stopped at a few shops on the way back, and then headed home, where I hit the showers.

We must have walked (and run) at least 5.5-6 miles in all today. (I turned off the timers/trackers after leaving the Green)  Not bad!

My legs are a little sore, and I am tired.  I hope for my next 5K I am not sick, and I weigh considerably less.

How was your weekend?  Did you run in any races?

I have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow regarding my dissertation.  We met when I got back from the US after my mom died.  That was about 2 months ago.  In that time, I had 2 other papers to write, and I took a holiday.  I have done some research on my dissertation.  In fact I spent 2 days at the library looking up books and journal articles.  (Not that I have actually *read* them.)

I honestly have no idea what I am doing.  I found a template online to assist me in writing, but I am not really sure what I am supposed to be writing.  I mean do I just go all in and do this- or is there some sort of formulaic way- like the way a Law and Order episode is drawn out?   I hope my advisor isn’t pissed that I have no idea what I am doing- I just felt really foolish asking at this point in the academic year.  (I’ve never had to write such a paper for my previous degrees so……)

So I am stressed and not feeling 100% and didn’t work out again today and this isn’t good since I had been doing so well.  I am going to the gym right after my meeting with my advisor in the morning to get it out of the way.

I also need to go to the public library and pick up a book.  I found a book group that meets in a coffee shop I love, and I really need to do something that isn’t my dissertation this summer.

Oh!  And the one thing I did actually get done today (besides watching Timelash) was to book my mini trip to London to see INXS in June.  I am taking the overnight bus (cheap) and staying one night in London, and then busing back the night of the show.  It sucks and I will be tired but it is the cheapest option.  (I’d rather have the money for when we go see MAAN later in June!!!!)

Sorry if this is a totally random post- I’m not focusing at the moment.

Oh, and if you are reading this, please take a moment to say “hi” in the comments.  I <3 comments.

Ok I am really going to sign off this post and get work done.  Really.