1. Effective and productive people get up early. Like 6am early. Granted I did this for YEARS and this shouldn’t be an issue. But being a grad student and then unemployed and then back to a student makes it SO easy for me to NOT get up early. I mean, why should i get up if i have nowhere to be? During baseball season I like to listen to the games or as much of them as I can. They start here at midnight so that means late nights. I also tend to be an insomniac which doesn’t help matters. So most of the time getting up before 10 is a miracle. If I do get up earlier, it isn’t like I actually do anything productive unless I have to actually be somewhere.

2. Effective and productive people workout often and hard. I have gotten so lazy it’s sad. I can’t get motivated to save my life.

3. Effective and productive people don’t spend hours a day reading fan fiction or watching telly. They go to work and do real life things. I sit on my couch and wonder where my day goes. It’s one thing to spend some time doing things for pleasure, but I’ve turned it into a bloody art form.

4. Effective and productive people don’t make excuses much about their life. They can see and recognise where they have weaknesses and address it. I’m the queen of excuses. Granted I do have some good reasons sometimes, but mostly it’s because I’m lazy and just can’t be bothered. Which is sad as it isn’t a life I’m leading. Well not the kind I invision in my mind when I think about what I really want.

Sometimes I wish my internal mental life and my real life would merge and I could have the life that I imagine myself having. I guess I will add it to the list of things to think about.

So today was the 10K. I hadn’t run in 3 weeks. I had no desire to actually do it, and had pretty much talked myself out of it last night. But when I woke up to feed Molly this morning, I was awake and kept going over and over it in my head as to whether I should go or not. I wasn’t tired or in agony, so I finally dragged myself out of bed.

This was a first for me; not being anal retentive about being ridiculously early. I didn’t even leave the flat until 8:30 and normally to be somewhere new for 10, I would have left at 8. As I crossed the bridge I seriously considered going back to the flat since it looked miserable out, with ominous clouds. But I didn’t. I even took time to go out of my way for coffee, because there was NO way I was walking/running a 10K without coffee.

I got to the park at about 9:20 and waited in line forever to pee. Then I found my way to my corral and got as far back as I could since I knew I wouldn’t be running all of it. And about 9:55 it began to rain. Of course. It rained pretty much steadily the entire time, so I was glad I wore my old trainers (my feet weren’t as happy) and the warmest running clothes I had. How people were walking in tank tops and shorts was beyond me. I was cold most of the time and wet and miserable. Of course it was my own fault for stopping training and being lazy, so I have no one to blame but myself.

It was entertaining to watch the people as they walked and ran past me. (I’m a slow runner, and while I felt like I was walking fast, I clearly wasn’t, or it’s the fact I have short legs.) I think Glasgow is the faux tan capital of the world. Wow. I also saw a woman who clearly forgot her knickers and trousers before she left her house. Seriously, wow.

I saw some other interesting things during the 10K like…

I was very, very happy to get to the end. And wet. What I hate about the end of races is having to then walk an additional mile to get back to the beginning where I could get the shuttle bus. As if I wanted to do anything but sit down and rest for a few minutes. Also, I could have done with a snack but all they were giving out were bananas and since I hate bananas, I was shit out of luck. I got my medal and goodie bag and finally found the shuttle buses. I must have gotten on the wrong one, because I ended up at Buchanan (which was fine as it is closer to home and also allowed me to get a coffee) and from there I hopped on the subway and headed home where I wolfed down my Subway sub and took a very long hot bath.

I’m tired, but no more than usual. My feet are a little sore, but I am sure it is nothing a much needed pedicure won’t be able to solve tomorrow.

My hideous face and medal . . .

I’m in the office now, and have been for a few hours, and seriously, how do people DO this all day. Yes I know that it is what people do (Oh come on, that was a perfect tie in!) but I am so out of practice. I can hardly sit here and focus on the things I need to be doing without fidgeting or staring at the wall or checking my Twitter feed every 30 seconds.

It doesn’t help that I do not particularly like the office. I always feel cramped and crowded in here and it’s always hot and smells funny. Also, since I don’t play well with others I always feel awkward. Not that anyone ever actually *talks* to me or acknowledges my presence, but I’m ok with that.

Anyways, I figured since I was just sitting here staring at my computer screen I would actually do something as opposed to just sitting. I’ve got just about everything I need to do done for my meeting (well the things I know what I am supposed to do, that is) and the rest well I will make up as I go along. (Kidding, I am going to ask what to do.) I’m not that clueless.

There are things I may post about later or tomorrow, but I am not sure yet. I don’t know how far I want to go in letting the world know how I’m actually doing, or if I just want to keep faking it. At any rate, I need to get things printed and whatnot.

-I am still experiencing anhedonia. *sigh* Sleeping is still difficult. I often wake up early and can’t fall back to sleep. I will have an appointment with the GP next week to discuss continuing treatment and make any changes if needed.

-Molly is adorable and playful. Steph took a video of her playing! She is fun and warm and cuddly.

-I’ve finished 2 books for school. By the end of the week I should have most of my paperwork in and done and ready to be submitted.

-Today I used my Groupon to get a Shellac manicure. My nails are shiny.

-Mmmmmmm, tea.

I will take some better pictures soon, because right now she is asleep on my lap. She is 12 weeks old and adorable and she came with the Sherlock name. (Yes, I am a dork, I know!) She is an explorer and a cuddler and loves to cuddle. She’s also pooed on my purse, but it was an old one, so it was ok. She’ll learn.

In other news, I am tired. So frigging tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I had SUCH a headache, the pain was absolutely ridiculous. I actually considered going to A&E, but the thought of getting up and walking there was overwhelming. I fell asleep around 5am and was up at 9ish. I cannot wait to sleep.

I got my 10K materials in the mail today. I am SO not ready. I am going to have to walk most of it, which is fine. I am ok with that. I am just disappointed in myself for being such a lazy git. Of course last week I was useless as I was so sleep deprived and this week I am fighting an injury to my calf. I pulled a muscle the other day and it is not comfortable at all. Ugh. So yeah. I hope this weekend and next week I can get in a few runs so that I feel a bit more prepared.

00:30am- in bed

00:35am- realize must stay off Twitter soon or risk House spoilers

00:40am- see Sherlock toaster on Twitter. Jump out of bed to show Steph. Insist we must get this, the Union Jack cushion and tea kettle, not to mention I HAVE to have the tea service, or at least the pot, or a cup. Man fandom is expensive.

00:48am- nothing new on Facebook

00:50am- no new fics

00:51am- realize must go to library and do work tomorrow and hope am not to depressed re: Wilson

01:00am- roll over

04:00am- huh what? Get up and acquire House

06:00am- check and it’s not done yet WTF, start panicking. Take valium.

10:12am- huh? I slept? Well sort of I guess.

11:30pm- take ridiculously hot bath

00:00am- get into bed, get comfortable, put on soothing rain music

00:03am- ok tomorrow I need to go to uni, clean flat, write up paperwork, read 7 articles….. no, no thinking, just sleeping, sleeeeeeping

00:10am- hear Steph moving around flat

00:14am- wonder if BC is in NYC yet

00:20am- start rewriting in head… no no no stop, must relax

00:24am- hear Steph moving around flat

00:40am- still awake

01:00am- annoyed with rain, change to the Maccabees

01:02am- wonder if BC is listening to “Grew up at Midnight” at the same time as me

01:15am- try counting backward from 100

01:17am- realize that House is on tonight. OMG WILSOOOOOOOON.

01:19am- wonder if you can buy alcohol miniatures at Tesco

01:23am- roll over

02:00am- wonder if I dozed off

02:05am- starving, should have toast

02:06am- go out to kitchen, see dish fairy hasn’t come yet, stomp back off to bed like petulant child, slam door (note that dish fairy came this morning and I am quite grateful to her)

02:30am- oh fuck it, get up and make toast despite the fact that there is next to no butter left

02:34am- catch up on stories posted since midnight

03:00am- start mentally writing in head and then force myself to relax and listen to Maccabees

03:20am- have to pee

03:30am- roll over

03:40am- turn off music

04:00am- WTF birds, shut up

04:15am- really birds, really?

06:32am- oh, did I sleep?

06:45am- shut up birds

07:00am- roll over

08:45am- SHUT UP CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

09:05am- DAD SHUT OFF THE FUCKING LAWN MOWER

09:06am- . . . . .

09:07am- oh wait. . . . .

09:08am- not in Framingham, am in Glasgow

09:15am- listen to whomever is mowing have a hard time starting mower; plot his demise

09:16am- bury head in pillow

10:00am- roll over

11:00am- give up and get up

One would think I could utilize all this extra time on my hands instead of laying in bed staring at the ceiling while writing Johnlock in my head. I should be working on my essays, catching up on reading and ethics paperwork. But you see, when I’m sleep deprived anything I do comes out looking like I’ve just single-handedly polished off a bottle of Pinot Grigio, and we all know how that ended the last time.

Oh wait you don’t? Let me tell you then. Picture it, 2006, winter. At least I think that’s the right year, late 00′s, at the very least. Anyways, I’m in idyllic retreat house with a roaring fireplace that I’ve lit with my own two hands. I’ve had a lovely walk along the shore despite the cold air. It’s now dinner time and I had a huge lunch and 2 huge chocolate chip cookies, so I’m playing with my salad and not really eating it, and I’m knocking back the Pinot like Jesus himself made it from water. (Did I mention I’m on a retreat with my Catholic young adult group?) Yes, and I keep thinking that my wine glass was empty and I keep drinking it not realizing either I am topping it up or someone is topping it up for me. I am telling some absolutely hysterical story about my adventures in the corporate or education world and OMG I just remembered HE was sitting at the same table as me. Oh. (That probably explains the lack of the salutations and greetings to his birthday email from me, Ms. Creeper.)

Anyways, I digress. So, me, Pinot, not enough dinner. At some point, I go off to bring up more firewood, up flights of narrow stairs, and they are icy and while I am wearing my Dunham hikers for this occasion, how I didn’t break my bloody fool neck is beyond me. Perhaps being on retreat had some bennies after all. Anyways, after the fire had been stoked, I had to have a lay down. I generally don’t drink as a general rule. I will on occasion have a cocktail or a glass of wine, but well booze makes me queasy and I’m the biggest emetophobe on the planet so . . . . . which is why I always preferred other methods of recreation back in the day, a life time ago……. damn 18 years ago is a lifetime, huh? And no, I will NOT discuss this further on the possibility it may incriminate me and well I need to get a job after this PhD.

ANYWAYS, as I was saying, I went to have a lay down. Of course I forgot I was supposed to be leading the evenings events as I was one of the trip organizers. Oopsie. I think at some point I did pass out, and ended up having a heart to heart with K late into the night about unrequited and impossible love. (Not that was the reason I got drunk. I honestly had NO intention of getting boozed up, and it was a long running joke for some time, but it was all in good fun.)

I don’t think I slept the rest of the night. I think I got up at 4ish with a cup of the strongest cup of coffee I could make, and my journal, and I watched the sun rise and the whales in the ocean. It was beautiful and peaceful, despite the Pinot trying to escape from my pores.

That seems like a lifetime ago, as well.

Let’s hope I get a good night’s sleep tonight. Those ethics forms aren’t going to write themselves.

Monday I went to the GP for 3 things; the headache issue, the depression issue, and the cyst pain issue.

The headache issue: She admitted she couldn’t think to fix something that 6 neurologists can’t. She re-referred me back to the neuro. So more waiting. Fun. (I obviously missed my checkup here in October since I wasn’t in the UK.)

The cyst issue: This one is tricky. According to the GP there isn’t much that can be done, so she recommended me going back on a medication that I have had horrid side effects with. She has referred me out to a gyn so I will have to wait and see. Right now 1/2 the month I can hardly walk around too much without extended pain in my side. It is suckage to the max and very annoying. I am not sure what options there are but I would be willing to have the cysts removed if possible. So more waiting. Even more fun.

Depression: This is the issue I had the hardest time with. I had a hard time explaining the whole thing to her about the meds and how I knew I needed a change and all the things that were going on. She wanted me to wait another week so that my records could be reviewed. At that point I was probably more agressive than I meant to be. It is hard enough to go out to the store never mind get up and go out and sit and wait an hour + so I can be seen first at the walk in, b/c I do not want to have to sit there for 2 + hours waiting to be seen. I explained how this had been going on for long enough and that I really wanted to be switched and she did agree, along with yet another referral. So my med has been changed to one I have been on before. It was a long time ago, and I honestly can’t remember if it was good for me or not, and I don’t have the records of that time period and I am unsure if they ever made it from all of my doctor changes that I had in my 20′s with changes of insurance and jobs and careers and things.

Of course since the change (granted 2 days I know) I haven’t been able to sleep, not that I was doing exceptionally well on that front to begin with. It takes a hell of a long time to fall asleep and the past few days I have been awake at WTF early (which would be normal hours to the rest of the world but I don’t have anywhere to be, so why do I need to be awake at 7 am) which is just annoying.

I do have a little more to say on the latter, but it will need to be another time. The Red Sox game is the free MLB game of the day, so I am going to enjoy some Remdog and Orsillo!

A lot of the reason why it sucked for me was the fact that I do not have any expendable cash at the moment, so I knew going in I couldn’t get a cheap mani or anything that I usually do for myself while I am there. It kind of made me frustrated, but at the end of the loan cycle making sure the rent and groceries are provided for is important.

I tried to get as much of the free bits out, having complementary mascara done and a demo of a really expensive curling iron. The woman who did it was friendly and asked where I was from. She asked all kids of things about why I would want to have the curling iron. And all of the variables she mentioned I answered no. She asked if I’d use it to go out with my friends to go clubbing or dinner. She asked if I would go out to dinner with my partner and do up my hair. She asked if I’d get together a group of friends and do our hair for fun. And all I could say was no. Because it’s true. I don’t have a group of friends. I don’t have a partner. I have me.

Is it that that “alone protects me” or is it just that I have gotten so used to having just one or two friends that I do things with, it’s easier? Is it because I can’t get past things from my past? Is it the fact that academia, especially research is isolating and I don’t know anyone in my office, and to be honest don’t want to know them b/c they haven’t made any attempt to say hello, never mind an actual conversation (of course I’d have to actually go in to the office more, but I am not really comfortable there). I know Steph invites me to go places with her that have groups and whatnot, but to be honest that gives me alone time at the flat and I can blast crappy music and read and do whatever just on my own.

That I know is of my own doing. I spent most of my time when I was home by myself (which was fine, it was all fine) and even before that as well. Maybe I just prefer solitude. Maybe I just don’t know what I am missing, but I do know that just being out with so many people was SO overwhelming since it has been a fair amount of time since I’ve done such a thing. Maybe at 36 and a half I’m just set in my ways and that is the way it is going to be. I just don’t know.