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Frustrated again

September 15th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | depression | I don't want to go | life | money woes | UK - (1 Comments)

Despite yesterday’s progress, today I feel down and frustrated. It started with a small thing; Amazon needs to charge me [and then refund me] the shipping charges for the Kindle since it is a special custom order as I got it in the UK. I can’t pay for it without a credit/bank card or a gift card. So I need to find a way to get a gift card [a place I can get to] and I’d like to do this independently, but I can’t. I know it is seemingly so insignificant, but it just makes me feel ridiculously pathetic.

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I feel as helpless as I did at 15 when I wanted to go to the mall and couldn’t get a ride. I don’t like asking people for help, especially for trivial things, and especially right now when I feel like I am such a burden.

 

I’m almost 36 years old with problems I shouldn’t have; I should have been smarter and never let myself go down this road again with financial issues.

 

I’m almost 36 years old, alone and single, with no prospects on the horizon. I know that one is my fault. I have trouble socializing. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t want anyone seeing me when I look this way so it is so much easier to sit and home and hide from the world. I did that in Scotland too. I didn’t make one friend there. Isn’t that kind of sad and pathetic?

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to network to find a job. I haven’t always had the best success at jobs, I’ve always seemed to make stupid, immature mistakes [other than the last 2 really] but the first 2 teaching jobs seemed to set the scene, and I feel like I can’t get out of that loop, and feel so far displaced from when and where I started from. I know I made mistakes and could have done better [way better had I actually had a mentor and someone to lean on and get advice from].

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to get the life I want. I sound like a petulant child, I know. But I really have no idea where I am going to go from here. I know what I want- but getting it, I just do not know if it will be possible to achieve it.

 

I think a lot of it it has to do with the fact I read all of these amazing blogs with happy, upbeat, positive, strong women living their lives, working, writing, exploring, and doing amazing things, and I am just trapped here in this bubble and I feel like I can’t relate to their story and that they probably can’t relate to mine.

 

Some of it has to do with the fact that up until 3 weeks ago I was living an independent life. I may not have had a lot, but I had freedom, I could get places, and I had someone to talk to every day, someone who also understood. And I miss that. I miss my life and my freedom. I miss the UK. I’m just not readjusting well. It’s so hard. All these things I wanted to do there, that I never did b/c I took for granted I had 3 more years if not more. And I wish I had the chance to do it all over again.

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Back to it

September 13th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in calories | couch to 5k | exercise | fitness | food | food choices | life in general | money woes | Red Sox | running | update - (3 Comments)

Yesterday I left the house 4 times. Amazing, innit? We took the kids to daycare, went to the post office, I went on a walk, and then a quick trip to Target with my sister later in the day. Wow, I know.

The walk/run C25K was fine.

It was hot. Well compared to Glasgow, 70 F is hot, so…… I hit the track at my local middle school for about an hour. Other than a leg cramp it was ok. My back seems to be feeling better, considering I’ve done nothing for the past 2 weeks. It feels more like it does when I need an adjustment and I am hoping that is all that it is. Once I get health insurance [or a job] I can pursue that line of inquiry.

Eating has been fine calorie wise [as I've lost 10 pounds since being home], but quality not so much. There is a huge lack in fresh fruits and veggies but what can you do with no money? I just have to make sure not to eat large quantities of cereal! Not much I can do about that; I just have to make smart choices in what’s around the house. Breakfast has been cereal and coffee, lunch, either 2 eggs or pasta, and dinner a mix of what’s been made or what I make myself. Last night I was hungry, but not in the mood for chicken so I had a Shakeology shake and cereal. Luckily my sister happened to have an unopened Shakeology package that I can use.

So far nothing on the job front. I’ve been applying for any job I remotely have qualifications for- education, teacher aide, sub, barista, customer service. I haven’t heard anything yet, except the rejection emails from positions already filled. It sucks and it is depressing. I know I am not the only one out there looking but it sucks all the same.

What is even more frustrating is not having a phone. My BFF told me about Safelink, and I just checked my application, and I have been approved and should be receiving a phone soon. This will have to do until I have a job. Horray for one thing going right!

I’m also going to see the Red Sox on Saturday courtesy of a lovely friend. I can’t wait. Fenway Park I missed you so!

Now all I need is a job and things will be smashingly brill!

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Stressed out

September 8th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | depression - (0 Comments)

I’m stressed out. It’s hard being back. It’s hard having no money even more than being back. It means I can’t do anything; I haven’t seen any of my friends since I got back, and that would make it a little better if I had/could be able to. I want to see people but I don’t want them to have to go out of their way to see me with the cost of gas now. That and I can’t do anything but sit and talk somewhere b/c I can’t pay my own way, and right now that really bothers me. I don’t want to be a burden.

I’ve applied for jobs. I’ve had no calls. I’ve applied for health benefits, unemployment, and free cell service and I am still waiting to hear on all of them. 3-5 weeks for unemployment, benefits will probably take as long, and I’m not sure about the phone. I’ve been off the US grid for a year so… I am not sure how long things like this will take, or if they will take at all.

The main issue is finding a job and being able to get to said job. I could definitely find a p/t job if I was in the city, but I can’t do that until I have a place to live, which means I need money, hence a vicious circle.

That’s pretty much it right now. I miss Scotland. I miss the life I was leading, even if I wasn’t doing much. It was my life and I was independent and could come and go as I please. I miss that feeling.

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Last weekend

August 27th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | Glasgow | headache | I don't want to go | life | pain | travel | UK - (0 Comments)

This is the last time I will be posting from Glasgow. :( I was finally able to sell my netbook (NOT at a profit- I wish I hadn’t purchased it now) so I will be going home with a tiny bit of money. I need to find a job and fast. I’m stressed and my head and back are aching something fierce and I just do not want to go.

I’ve had to get rid of more than half of my wardrobe and I still can’t fit all of my stuff in my suitcase (and I can’t afford to pay for extra weight or another suitcase). I am going to have to have stuff stored here and have it sent on later when I have money. Hopefully I won’t need sweaters too soon in MA. The stress is making me slowly insane and I am having trouble coping.

I really hope that I can find a job and a place to live ASAP. There are so many things I have to do when I get back and I feel very overwhelmed already.

I am really hoping that the posts from the US are much happier, and that I can find a good and supportive blogging community once I am back in the Boston area.

I’m going to miss you Glasgow and the UK as a whole. :(

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Trying to relax

August 25th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in beauty | Glasgow | I don't want to go | Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

That’s been my motto as of late. It hasn’t really worked. But today I got up early (for me) and headed into St. Enoch to use my last Groupon that I got a zillion years ago. It was for a brow shape and mini facial, and it was just what I needed.

The services were at Filthy Gorgeous Glasgow in Debenhams. I’d never had my eyebrows threaded, and at first I was really worried, but it ended up not hurting at all. It was over quickly and my eyebrows look fantastic!

The facial was great too- not too long as it was a mini facial, and the esthetician didn’t chat me up, she just did the cleansing, scrub, mask, and massage quietly. I don’t mind chatting when I have my hair cut and whatnot, but sometimes I just want to sit there, relax, and think, and try to relax and not have to talk. The mini massage was great; I just wish it lasted longer. (I was so bummed out the one I had booked had to cancel b/c the Treat Ticket service was not honouring the coupons, for some reason, but I did get my money back.)

It was a really nice way to get a little relaxation in, albeit brief, as I end my time here in Glasgow. Today I’m going to Kelvingrove Museum and need to do a few more things on my to do list. I can’t believe I’m leaving on Monday. :(

*the services received today were paid for by me, and no one asked me to review. opinions are my own*

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Trying to think positive

August 20th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | I don't want to go - (0 Comments)

Despite the chest crushing anxiety I’m facing about having to go home, I’ve been trying to think of things I can do once I am back in MA.

Things that I can do or have once I’m home (apart from the obvious friends and family, etc)

  • Dunkin’ Donuts iced coffee  

  • Starbucks iced coffee (what can I say there is a HUGE lack of iced coffee in Scotland)

  • Watch Red Sox games not at midnight

  • Find an agent/publisher for my book that I am working on bullying and my own personal experiences

  • Once a job has been acquired I can go back to Healthworks!
  • Target!

  • Change up my blog (I really need a cool header!)

  • Meet up with other local bloggers and/or attend blogging events

  • Fenway Park!

I’m sure I will think of other things once I get home, settled, and organized.  I really hope that everything works out and that finding a job isn’t as difficult as I fear.  I’m trying to relax and see the good in all of this, but it isn’t easy for me.  Right now, I’m just trying to get by.

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Stressed out

August 18th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | I don't want to go | money woes | Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

I’m still mega stressed out, which is why I haven’t really posted.  Nothing has immediately changed, other than MORE stress, so I didn’t feel the need to keep carrying on about it.

I’m just trying to keep on keeping on, which is hard b/c half the time I want to eat everything and the other half my stomach is in knots and I feel ill.

It’s funny, a year ago I was nervous, but not to this degree.  Maybe b/c most of my energies were on healing from surgery IDK.  I mean I am going home, a place I know and lived most of my life, where all my family and most of my friends are.  It shouldn’t be a nerve wrecking experience, yet it is.  I think mostly it is because who *isn’t* there that is giving me this stress.  That and the financial issues that I will be dealing with, and while I’ve already made some good attempts at dealing with them, it’s still stressful.  That and the no job thing.

I’ve never been good at the whole relaxing thing and add in the anxiety issues I have, this has just been a nightmare.  I really hope things can only get better and not worse.

And I hope to get back to more happy, positive, healthy posts as soon as this crisis is over.

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The post where I continue to freak out

August 16th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | I don't want to go | money woes - (0 Comments)

I know these posts are all similar and whatnot, but it is what my life is right now and I wish I had  more fun and exciting things to report.

Nothing is going my way these days.  We got an email from our landlord and she seems to think we are staying here until the 11th (???) and wants rent until then.  I’m leaving the 29th and while it is great for Steph to have a place to stay until the 11th, we don’t have the money.  I haven’t even figured out the utility closing yet.  Never mind other things.

I’m trying to sell everything I own that isn’t a necessity that I know I could get some money for (there isn’t time to sell my clothes on ebay and I really just don’t want to deal with that right now- not that I’d get much).

I need to leave here with as much money I can so that when I get home I can get around.  I am going to need to go into the city to deal with finding out if I’m eligible for any kind of benefits/housing and that costs money.  Hence my dilemna, and at the same time wanting to make sure Steph doesn’t get screwed.

I’m having nightmares about all of it and wake up in the middle of the night wanting to be sick. I also have to go in for a medical test tomorrow and while I don’t expect there to be any issues,  with the way my luck has been…….

I really wanted to spend my last 2 weeks here doing fun things and relaxing.  Not so much.  I’m going to go home so wound up like a top and so stressed, which is not going to be conducive to living back at home.

Now I just need to hope I win the lottery.  Or get offered an amazing job.

Thank you again to everyone who has offered support in all different ways.  I couldn’t get through this nightmare without you.

Oh and if any of you have a laptop/netbook with a UK keyboard do you know why half my keystrokes open up new windows or make me lose half my work?

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I don’t even know

August 15th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | I don't want to go | life - (5 Comments)

I don’t even know what I am doing anymore.  I’m an emotional wreck, and I can hardly think straight.

In 2 weeks I will be home, and the thought just depresses me.  This was not supposed to happen.

I have no idea what I am going to do- there don’t seem to be many jobs out there that I am qualified for, never mind the fact I am coming back after school has started in some instances, making it a bit hard to get an open position.

I’m just so stressed and emotional and I have no idea where to start.  I start packing and then I have to stop b/c I get too upset.  Same in looking for jobs- even if I found one I have no idea how I am actually going to get to one with no transportation (again no one’s fault but mine).

It makes me wonder how people who have nothing make it work, no money or financial support.  How do they get to work?  If I lived somewhere where there was public transport, ok, but then how do I move there without any money to start with?  I could just scream I’m so frustrated over all of this.

Any constructive ideas are welcome.

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The future

August 12th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in I don't want to go | life in general | money woes | Uncategorized - (0 Comments)

I will be home by the end of the month.  I’ve accepted it and moved on.  Now I need to face the future and everything I left behind.  I have a lot of worries, such as being able to find a job, and getting to said job, find my own place to live (eventually), and settling debts that weren’t settled before I left, and subsequently were not dealt with while I’ve been here, as well I haven’t had the money to deal with it, nor was I aware of some of it, as my mail wasn’t forwarded here.

I didn’t want to talk about any of this, but I figured it’s who I am, a financial screw up who has no one to blame but herself, and no one to fall back on.  So I need to get home, deal with it, as much as it will suck, and hope I can manage through.  I honestly have no idea what I am going to do.  I have no assets, no stocks, and will be coming back with my clothes and a few personal items.  I do not know what the legal ramifications of all this will be, nor do I know who I can have help me with these things (I don’t really want to have to involve my family, as it is *my* problem and I need to deal with it like an adult.

I’m looking into state agencies that can help advise me as best as I can not being home and am trying to get as much done as I can before I get back home, while I have free time on my hands.  I’ve acquired my credit report and got in touch with an agency that helps people in my home state.  If anyone has any practical solutions besides the obvious, please let me know.

I want to thank everyone who has offered advice, help, and hugs throughout the past week.  It means a lot to me.

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