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My life as a fangirl

January 22nd, 2012 | Posted by cindy in David Tennant | deep thoughts | Doctor Who | London | MAAN | Red Sox | Scotland | Southern Sounds | timelord | UK - (0 Comments)

(Apologies to everyone who thinks I am a nutter and the fact that I have a new addiction which doesn’t please everyone.) TL:DR, unless you want to see how I’ve become a crazy DT obsessed PhD candidate who’s also a Cumberbitch, as well as who the fuck else knows what else!

When I like things, I go all in. Always have, always will. As I was walking to campus I was thinking about how this long, strange journey began, and figured since I can’t find my frigging research proposal I should use my time wisely here.

It started early, in 3rd/4th grade with a show that probably wasn’t age appropriate, but when have I ever done anything normal. Normal is SO boring. (OMG Dallas is coming back! Eeeee!) (Yes, Dad they got Larry Hagman out of his wheelchair, just like Paul- oh wait not like Servalan is a spring chicken any more!)

 

I wrote fanfic for Dallas in elementary school, so much to the point that I was asked to find an outlet for my creativity in a different way.

So I moved on to . . . . .

Ok, so it was more . . . .
to the point that as an 11 year old I got to meet Paul Darrow, and my fangirling knew no bounds since that day. My dad got us tickets to a convention and I almost got to meet Jon Pertwee that day as well, but he was ill and not in attendance. A long time passed until I had another chance to meet anyone, but that day stands out in my memory very clearly.

I was pretty much a Blake’s 7 fangirl up until middle school, when I discovered something new.

I was INXS mad in the 7th grade. For Christmas that year I got all their cassettes and an INXS tshirt. (I may talk trash about my dad, but he’s always enabled me in my fangirling LOL.) I need to find that polaroid of me in the tshirt! :)

The fangirling pretty much was dormant in high school and college. I liked things, but I had discovered real life boys at that point and managed to take my crazy behaviours to new levels I can say I’m fairly ashamed of, hindsight being what it is and all.

Until I watched House, I was a pretty normal person. Since, I have to say that I do get a bit mad crazy over things. Just a bit. :) I was completely mental over Dr. House and began to try out my creativity in the realm of fanfiction again. Yes, it was House/Wilson 99% of the time, and no you can’t read any of it, unless you know where to look and no, I am not going to tell you b/c it’s rubbish.

 

I can’t say it was any good, but what I can say is that my fanmix, Afterglow, a Amber/Wilson (a bit of House), was downloaded like crazy and people really liked it. The music featured songs from House’s Head/Wilson’s Heart, along with other songs I found appropriate for the ending of season 4, an ending I can’t bring myself to watch.

 

About the same time, I had a chance opportunity to see INXS perform an acoustic set and from the day I laid eyes on JD Fortune, I went a bit crazy (again). This brought about a resurgence of my love for INXS, as well as crazy road trips to CT, NYC (I WAS ON THE TODAY SHOW!) (For 5 seconds!) (for a second, do shut up Cindy) and up to Canada for crazy drunk fun, tattoos, and booze all over the carpark. As well as zany things that happened, like this.

Fuck off, eh!

Also, at the same time, I realized that I could bitch about sports, or I could STFU and join in. Hence my love of all things Red Sox.

 

I’ve had a chance to see amazing things. Crazy blowout wins, long 14 inning games in the rain, Curt Schilling’s 200th win, ALDS game 1 in 2007, and opening day 2008. 2 World Series wins and 2 parades. Not to mention concerts with Bronson! And no, I never followed Curt Schilling around the Natick Mall. Nope. Not me. Never.

 

Over the past few years, I’ve tried to rein in my crazy fangirl tendencies. However, that didn’t work. It all started with . . . a skinny Scottish bloke with REALLY great hair.

 

Oh David Tennant, you sexy man you. (I can hear my sister rolling her eyes.)

And before you all ask, no I didn’t come to Scotland b/c of DT. Seriously.

Anyways, it’s been DT for a while now, but then I watched Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes and Mad Dogs and went a bit cray cray for John Simm and Philip Glenister. (It’s nice to know that I always seem to fall for older, although only slightly now, British men)

 

I’ve been watching everything I could get my hands on featuring the 2 of them. And then watching it some more. If Mad Dogs had been on VHS there’d be a tear in the tape by now.

However, my most recent obsesion (much to the chagrin of some of my friends) has been another British bloke with great hair- and cheekbones to die for.

 

Yes, I’ve become a Cumberbitch. (And hey, he’s single now, so . . . .) I’ve watched Sherlock more times than is probably healthy, and I’ve become addicted to tumblring his image all over the internets. (Oh honey, you should see ME in a crown.) (Yes, I know he didn’t say that line) (I have an unhealthy obsession with parentheses.)

Anyways, if you got this far, you are probably as bored as I am or procrastinating or think I’m mental. Probably. But I’ve met David Tennant. Hugh Laurie stood next to me. In fact, I’ve met 2 Doctors, 2 companions, saw INXS in London – all in the last year. So pretty ace, I’d say. It’s been a long crazy ride. I wonder where it will take me next?

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Busy day

January 19th, 2012 | Posted by cindy in Glasgow | life | Scotland | UK - (0 Comments)

Today was busy, for me at least recently. Despite still feeling like crap and pouring rain and sleet, I knew we had to go out for a number of reasons. Coffee, getting to uni and getting Steph a letter proving she completed her M.Litt, meeting with my advisor, picking up dinner food. So all of that was done, along with trying to get the flat reserved, which won’t be 100% resolved until tomorrow.

Since I’ve been back in the UK, I’ve been using my UK debit card. Well, the bank noticed this and put a hold on my account, so that when we tried to reserve the flat, it kept getting declined despite the fact I had 3x the amount available in my account. I got it resolved on the bank side, but it still wouldn’t go through. So tomorrow we have to go and give it to them in cash.

The meeting with my advisor was fine. I get a {shared} office where I can work in the education building! That’s pretty exciting. I have work I have to do now, so I will be trying to get to campus a few times next week.

Hopefully the flat thing works out and then we can start to plan the move. I cannot wait to get out of the hostel. The bed is doing my back in, and they don’t get Sky, so I can’t watch Mad Dogs. Clearly this is a HUGE issue. I need my Simm and Glenister fix!

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Catch up

January 18th, 2012 | Posted by cindy in Glasgow | grad school | health | UK - (0 Comments)

I’ve neglected my poor blog for a variety of reasons. 1. I have had limited internet. 2. I’ve been sooo sick. I thought it was nothing, that I was just being all dizzy and feeling crappy for no reason, but then I realized that duh, my ear is killing and is blocked, no wonder I have no equilibrium and feel like the room is spinning. I ended up figuring this out on a Friday, after the GP was closed. So Saturday am I called NHS 24 and I was told to go to Western General emergency GP clinic and there I was evaluated and assessed and told I had an ear infection {really, I had no idea.}. Unfortunately, I have really not felt much better and I have felt like crap for a week now. I do feel a little better, but my right ear is still blocked and I have trouble hearing out of it and my general energy and enthusiasm levels are less than stellar.

Then, there was yesterday’s freak out about my student loan deposit and subsequent nervous breakdown. In the end, it was fine and all has been sorted and whatnot.

The past 2 days I have been able to get out and run errands and things that I’ve needed to do which is good. Tomorrow I am meeting with my advisor to start discussing what it is I am actually doing.

So that’s about it.

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In Glasgow!

January 12th, 2012 | Posted by cindy in exercise | Glasgow | grad school | life | money woes | running | Scotland | travel | UK | winter - (0 Comments)

I’m in Glasgow! Horray!

Ok I have been here for a week, and I have been pretty busy looking for flats, trying to get things for school set up, going to Boots and Tesco, and having some sort of weird vertigo thing for the past 2 days, which hasn’t helped matters. It has been rather nice; sunny and cold which works fine for me. I need to get a picture of the sunrise or sunset over the River Clyde. Being on the 8th floor gives us great views, but the windows are dirty which is why I haven’t taken any as of yet. I’ve done a fair amount of walking, but I haven’t run since the 10K. Eep! I do have a pass for 5 free days at LA Fitness in Glasgow, so as soon as this dizziness thing sorts it self out, I can get my running on! {Or at the very least run along the river while it’s nice and sunny!}

So far I am waiting on my loans, so we can get a flat, and I can get some more clothing! I didn’t bring a lot of my stuff and I would like to get some basics of long sleeved tops and a pair of jeans and some wellies before I get too caught up in school.

I’ve been reading a lot as well, as I am not sure how much time I will have for it. If anyone has any recommendations about schooling and education in the UK, I would love to read them. Most of my knowledge is fiction based from Waterloo Road and an old copy of Scottish Education I had rattling around the old flat. I’d like something a bit more contemporary and not too dry. {I’m not asking much!}

I hope everyone is having a great week!

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Christmas wishlist

December 13th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in David Tennant | deep thoughts | Doctor Who | exercise | fitness | Glasgow | goals | grad school | health | life | motivation | nsv | Scotland | shopping | workout - (1 Comments)

Wow 2 posts in one day? Who am I?

In my new {almost} running shoes I banged out nearly a 6k in under an hour. AND despite not thinking I would have a new PR, I DO! Thanks to my clever oldest niece who had showed me how to take screencaps on my iphone you can see it. Go me!

The sky was very, very blue today. It was such a great day out for a run!

Now, to the actual point of this post. This Christmas isn’t going to be great. In fact, in some ways it’s going to suck, and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I miss my mum, end of. So I decided to try to make myself feel better by coming up with the most crazy Christmas wishlist, a top ten you may say. Please do not think that I actually believe I will get any of these things. Especially #1. I wish!

10. All this retail work has made my nails a mess. I’d love a shellac manicure and a pedicure {I don’t even need toe polish I would just kill for the foot rub!} to start off the New Year right!

9. I could sure use this for my iphone.

8. Since I am being totally frivolous here, I can see myself in Buchanan Square with this bag.

7. While I am waiting for the coffee {see below} I should stretch.

6. I will need plenty of coffee to keep me going, so those Starbucks gift cards are always welcome. :)

5.Since I am going to be working hard on my thesis for my PhD, a new computer would be a huge asset! In my dreams, I know! I can be reasonable, even if it is still a stretch.

4. I guess new super cool running shoes would be great to get as well! The New Balance 993′s would be perfect. Grey/pink is fine. Size 7. :)

3. Now that I am running I really need a Road Id. I’d like the wrist id slim, in black. But I think I need to wait until I move until I get it.

2. While I’d love to have this at my door as well I will probably have to settle for this.

Or this, even.

1. What I would really love most of all would be to open the door on Christmas and have this waiting for me.

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Christmas miracle {my big surprise announcement!}

December 2nd, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Glasgow | grad school | Scotland | travel | UK - (15 Comments)

You know the song “Lose Yourself” by Eminem? I’m sure you do. Anyways, there is a line in it that goes “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” Ok it’s more than one line, humor me. For the longest time I thought that was true, that you only had one shot at getting what you wanted. Not 2, not 3. Just one. I’ve now been proved wrong.

I’m getting that second chance.

I’ve been hinting for a bit now, that something was happening. I’m sure many of you have an idea about what I am going to say.

I’m going back to Scotland! I’m going to get a second chance to get my PhD.

Now some of you may be thrilled for me. Some of you may be concerned or disappointed. Some of you may be wondering why the heck I’m doing this. Just know this. I want this. I want this a lot. It means a lot to me to be able to do this and do it right this time, since I know what I am getting into. There won’t be the culture shock or confusion about where to go and how to get there, because I already know.

This was not a decision that was made lightly. There were lots of talks and arguments and hopes that went into this decision. I am VERY lucky that I was able to make this work. And the reason for the secrecy was because I didn’t want to say anything until I was 100% sure. Today I can make that statement. The offer letter and acceptance have been in for some time. The loans are processing. I have my Visa appointment next week.

I hope you can all be happy for me.

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Moving on

September 19th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | Glasgow | headache | I don't want to go | life | money woes | motivation | travel | UK - (1 Comments)

A year ago today I started the biggest journey of my life.  I wish I took more advantage of it.  I wish I spent less time sitting at home in my flat and went out more.  But I could say that about all my years in Boston as well.  I know I am not a go outy person, but I should have tried a little bit more.

 

All around me people are moving on.  Dates are made, races are run, weddings take place, jobs are found and started.  Yet I feel frozen in time.  I feel like I’ve backtracked.  I feel lost.  The headaches are back.  I haven’t got an inkling on any jobs. I feel like at nearly 36, I am a failure.  No career, no current job or prospects, no relationship.  None of the things I wanted to have done at this time of my life have I achieved.

 

I know I am a negative person, but having all of this in my mind at all times isn’t helping and I can’t break the cycle.  Can’t or won’t.  It’s hard to change your entire outlook on life in an instant.  Or a day, a month, a year.    It’s hard to give up or change one thing you’re really good at.

 

I don’t know where or how to fill this space anymore.  I am sure my readers are tired of the same old, same old.  Unfortunately things are out of my immediate control.  I can’t offer myself a job, or be picked to be a tutor, or any number of things I’m waiting on.  And that’s part of the problem- not having control. I feel out of control b/c right now I am doing everything I can, and nothing is happening.   As the song goes, “the waiting is the hardest part.”

 

Hopefully I will be back with something happier and positive.   And soon.

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Frustrated again

September 15th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in deep thoughts | depression | I don't want to go | life | money woes | UK - (1 Comments)

Despite yesterday’s progress, today I feel down and frustrated. It started with a small thing; Amazon needs to charge me [and then refund me] the shipping charges for the Kindle since it is a special custom order as I got it in the UK. I can’t pay for it without a credit/bank card or a gift card. So I need to find a way to get a gift card [a place I can get to] and I’d like to do this independently, but I can’t. I know it is seemingly so insignificant, but it just makes me feel ridiculously pathetic.

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I feel as helpless as I did at 15 when I wanted to go to the mall and couldn’t get a ride. I don’t like asking people for help, especially for trivial things, and especially right now when I feel like I am such a burden.

 

I’m almost 36 years old with problems I shouldn’t have; I should have been smarter and never let myself go down this road again with financial issues.

 

I’m almost 36 years old, alone and single, with no prospects on the horizon. I know that one is my fault. I have trouble socializing. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t want anyone seeing me when I look this way so it is so much easier to sit and home and hide from the world. I did that in Scotland too. I didn’t make one friend there. Isn’t that kind of sad and pathetic?

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to network to find a job. I haven’t always had the best success at jobs, I’ve always seemed to make stupid, immature mistakes [other than the last 2 really] but the first 2 teaching jobs seemed to set the scene, and I feel like I can’t get out of that loop, and feel so far displaced from when and where I started from. I know I made mistakes and could have done better [way better had I actually had a mentor and someone to lean on and get advice from].

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to get the life I want. I sound like a petulant child, I know. But I really have no idea where I am going to go from here. I know what I want- but getting it, I just do not know if it will be possible to achieve it.

 

I think a lot of it it has to do with the fact I read all of these amazing blogs with happy, upbeat, positive, strong women living their lives, working, writing, exploring, and doing amazing things, and I am just trapped here in this bubble and I feel like I can’t relate to their story and that they probably can’t relate to mine.

 

Some of it has to do with the fact that up until 3 weeks ago I was living an independent life. I may not have had a lot, but I had freedom, I could get places, and I had someone to talk to every day, someone who also understood. And I miss that. I miss my life and my freedom. I miss the UK. I’m just not readjusting well. It’s so hard. All these things I wanted to do there, that I never did b/c I took for granted I had 3 more years if not more. And I wish I had the chance to do it all over again.

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Back “home,” August recap, September goals

September 1st, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | boring cindy is boring | Glasgow | grad school | I don't want to go | life in general | London | money woes | Scotland - (0 Comments)

This is sort of a catch-all post.

I’m back “home.” The thing is I’m not. This house is not my home. It is where I grew up, but it is no longer my home. I left that several thousand miles ago. Glasgow was my home, and I had hoped eventually to make my permanent home there or in London. I miss it. I miss Steph. I miss Plushie Ten. I miss it all. But I screwed up. And when I screw up, I do it big time. It isn’t something I feel comfortable sharing right now, but believe me it’s a big clusterfuck. And it is all my fault.

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August goals were to walk 3 miles a day. Didn’t happen. My back/legs/feet [possible sciatica] caused this and not to mention the stress of having to come back to the US. Once I get insurance, hopefully I can have it checked out. So right now I am walking as much as I can, stretching, and trying not to stress.

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September goals are to not murder my family and not lose my sanity. Pretty much, yeah. Oh and find a job, but that is unfortunately out of my hands, unless schools want me to come in and dazzle them with my lessons and knowledge of bullying issues.

I’m also really behind in reading blogs and commenting, and I duly apologize. Hopefully I will be able to get back on that ASAP.

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Last weekend

August 27th, 2011 | Posted by cindy in anxiety | Glasgow | headache | I don't want to go | life | pain | travel | UK - (0 Comments)

This is the last time I will be posting from Glasgow. :( I was finally able to sell my netbook (NOT at a profit- I wish I hadn’t purchased it now) so I will be going home with a tiny bit of money. I need to find a job and fast. I’m stressed and my head and back are aching something fierce and I just do not want to go.

I’ve had to get rid of more than half of my wardrobe and I still can’t fit all of my stuff in my suitcase (and I can’t afford to pay for extra weight or another suitcase). I am going to have to have stuff stored here and have it sent on later when I have money. Hopefully I won’t need sweaters too soon in MA. The stress is making me slowly insane and I am having trouble coping.

I really hope that I can find a job and a place to live ASAP. There are so many things I have to do when I get back and I feel very overwhelmed already.

I am really hoping that the posts from the US are much happier, and that I can find a good and supportive blogging community once I am back in the Boston area.

I’m going to miss you Glasgow and the UK as a whole. :(

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